North Star Writers Group

The chances of my stomaching over half of the 79^th Academy Award ceremony would have been infinitesimally small had I not realized that, although this evening will always be played up as some sort of celebration of the immortals, a movie fan like myself is allowed to be at least a little curious. And perhaps more to the point, I have inexplicably come to consider myself one of the important critics of our time, and I would be remiss to let an evening surrounded by such hullabaloo go without some sort of review.

First and foremost, I thought Ellen DeGeneres did a pretty good job. She stuck to her normal shtick – pleasant, silly, humble, and not trying too hard – which works well for an evening that is not supposed to be about the host. I liked the way she interacted with the nominees, probably because she wasn’t trying so incredibly hard to get that “She said what?” reaction from the audience. She was the kind of funny that you chuckle at, not the kind where you feel obligated to laugh because something sophisticated or obscure was just said that you need to respond to in order to save face in front of your friends. Perhaps the best way of putting it is that she managed to get out of the way of the momentum of the evening.

The classy moment of the evening goes to Alan Arkin, who placed his Oscar on the ground and gave what seemed like sincere credit to the rest of the cast. It was a refreshing alternative to thrusting a gold plated Ken doll into the air which represents who-knows-what, and instead drawing attention to the ones without whom, he would have never been able to act as effectively as he did.

The best observation of the evening goes to my wife, who astutely pointed out that the most inconvenient truth is the appearance of Al Gore’s third chin. That said, the whole play-him-off-right-before-he-announces-his-decision-to-run-for-president bit was pretty funny. Then again, having been forced to listen to the man talk for more than six and a half seconds about anything remotely serious reminded me why, no matter how insightful or compelling his ideas may be, I always catch myself wishing someone would cover his mouth with an ether-soaked washcloth. Does anyone else find him as irksome as I do?

The song that Jack Black, Will Ferrell and John Reilly sang was hilarious. Unfortunately, this brings me to the award for the joke that just rotted before our very eyes. I’m referring to jokes about people who’ve never won an Oscar, be they Will Ferrell, Jack Black or even George Lucas. They’re beginning to lose their zing. We get it, not every great entertainer wins an Oscar. Just cash your bajillion dollar checks and get over it.

Most people have heard Jennifer Hudson’s story about how she was noticed during her losing attempt in “American Idol” and a year later wins an Oscar. I was a little sick of hearing it, but that said, I found her acceptance speech quite moving. It’s nice to see someone who looks and feels like a normal person who really has no idea how to handle such a unique situation. Think about it. She goes from a complete unknown to a nearly famous pop singer to an Oscar-winning actress. As Cypher said in The Matrix, “What do you say to something like that?” Jennifer Hudson obviously had no idea, and I was absolutely charmed.

Perhaps the most unintentionally funny moment of the evening was when Helen Mirren introduced, “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan,” which I still can’t say without giggling. This is why the English will always have a comic edge over Americans. Anything strange or even remotely crude simply sounds funnier with a British accent. Fortunately, whatever kudos I credit to the unintentionally funny, now Oscar-winning actress, I believe are nullified by her emphatic speech-ending comment, “I give you the Queen!” which easily won her the award for the most awkward moment of the night. I, along with the other three people in my living room, just kind of sat there, a bit stunned, thinking, “I know she wishes she had that one back.”

The most nerve-racking segment of the night goes to Tom Cruise, who we were all afraid would start doing cartwheels around the microphone stand. Unlike many people, I have not yet completely sold him down the river, and am really wishing he makes some sort of comeback. I actually verbalized this sentiment, to which my wife responded, “You mean a gay-back.” This didn’t come close to competing with her earlier comment about Al Gore, but it did come uncomfortably close to “the queen’s” awkward moment of the night. (To the under-gossipped, a lot of people vehemently maintain that Tom Cruise is gay, and would find nothing more gratifying than his coming out of the closet, hence the newly-coined phrase, “gay-back”.)

Finally, the make-up call of the night goes to Martin Scorsese, who inconceivably had yet to win his Oscar, despite Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, The Color of Money, The Last Temptation of Christ, Goodfellas, Casino, Gangs of New York and The Aviator – just a few of the many great movies he’s made. Whether or not the consensus really is that he deserved Oscars both for Best Picture and Best Director, most would agree that The Illustrious Academy owed him a couple. Either way, I find that Oscar nominations are a far more reliable sign of status than the actual Oscars. Rumor has it that I am not alone in my suspicion that The Illustrious Academy is 85 percent full of crap.

So with Ellen DeGeneres’ opening, and Martin Scorsese’s closing, I’d say an impressively boring night was, at the very least, well book-ended. And to those who made it through this convoluted review, I can only hope that it was easier to stomach than the Gore-ified Oscar marathon I endured tonight.

To offer feedback on this column, click here.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # NS45. Request permission to publish here.