North Star Writers Group

With Lent just around the corner, it suddenly hit me that there are probably tens of millions of faithful readers who have no idea what to give up. As we all know, some ancient fellow eventually realized that the five weeks before Easter could be used, firstly, for schedule-cramming Wednesday night services, and secondly, as an excuse to exercise determination over powerful temptations such as chocolate and black tar heroin. As we all know, such addictions have plagued the Earth’s population for millennia, in some cases driving people over the edge.

Upon considering various plagues of my own, I compiled a list of things I plan to give up – things very close to putting me over the edge – and I’ve decided to call it: The “I Give Up” List.

1. I give up on doctors. It really has nothing to do with the quality of our nation’s medical staff, or because, upon my entry to the hospital last week, the receptionist put a big orange sticker labeled “cash” on my health information form. This signified that I had no medical insurance, and thus prompted a highly recommended orthopedic surgeon to swiftly usher me out of his room with a $167 bill and a friendly “that detached bone chip in your ankle is actually quite negligible – so negligible, in fact, that I recommend you start putting weight on it as soon as you can.” I’m actually thoroughly convinced of the integrity of the whole medical industry. It’s just that, with all the great advice I’ve been getting from my doctor’s visits lately, I truly feel knowledgeable enough to get along on my own.

2. I give up on carpool lanes. The damn things are completely useless. What kind of idiotic state government decides it’s a good idea to torture already late and stressed-out drivers by dangling a completely un-trafficked, mile-wide slab of asphalt in front of us as if we did something wrong in supporting the economy by buying cars, gas and auto insurance? Are we really supposed to send out flyers to everyone in our area asking if anyone happens to be traveling to the same place we are at the exact same time so we can “hitch a ride and help save the ozone layer”, and then top it all off by leaving complete strangers our contact information? I seriously wonder if some politician who lost a bet to a cute but stupid nine-year-old child implemented this idea. From here on out, just arrest me.

3. I give up my battle with “American Idol”. I’ve resisted the temptation to watch this show every season until now, primarily because I’m philosophically opposed to celebrating pop music in all its cheap, gimmicky messiness. But simply put, I can no longer resist watching two jerks and a drunk arbitrarily rip to shreds the hopes and dreams of delusional, misled and probably neglected crazy people. As an art critic once said about a portrait of Cosmo Kramer, it’s “loathsome and offensive, yet I can’t look away.”

4. I hereby give up on Yahoo! Chess. I’ve played about 50 games in a week and my rating still sucks. How stupid am I? This is one of those things only a mother can make you feel better about, offering warm, rational advice such as, “Honey, there are lots of different kinds of intelligence. You may not have picked up on chess right away, but I’ll bet you can eat more ice cream in five minutes than those chess players can eat in a whole week.” It’s true, you know. I can eat lots of ice cream. Always could.

5. Finally, I’m giving up on New Mexico. You’d have to think that after 157 years a U.S. state would produce something more interesting than the International UFO Museum. Not that it wasn’t creative, but there comes a time when a U.S. state is responsible for a little more than a few measly electoral votes. Give us a pop star, a new deli meat, a condiment?

Anyway, for all of you who are taking on Lent with no good ideas, I hope this list has helped. With all the vices, temptations and struggles every one of us faces on a daily basis, rest assured that I understand your plight. In honor of Lent, let me be the first to say, there’s no shame in giving up.

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