North Star Writers Group

This recent punch line from the “Colonel” elicited a reaction from both my wife and me that found itself somewhere between amusement and disbelief. Fried chicken for Christmas?

The fast-food controversy continues to rage in our fair nation. There have been a myriad of lawsuits against various major fast-food chains, holding the companies responsible for the obesity epidemic, and even specific fatalities. Popular documentaries have sought to expose horrendous, health-hazardous practices that exist in these American institutions. A favorite “Saturday Night Live” sketch of mine spoofed Taco Bell by describing their new product as being “smothered with cheese, deep fried, wrapped in a deep-dish pizza and topped with refried beans.”

So as the cliché goes, have they gone too far?

Some would say, “Yes, consuming any single food item that effectively covers your weekly fat, sodium and calorie allowance is probably a flawed idea.”

But then again, whose flawed idea is it, really? Has Ronald, The Colonel, or Wendy ever come to our houses themselves and forcefully crammed their latest mushroom-cheddar, deep-fried what-have-you down our throats? Or have we simply grabbed a value meal on the go between work and (ironically) the gym, or woken up from a night out with the boys, surrounded by burrito wrappers and feeling as though our intestinal functioning has gone terribly awry?

As ludicrous as the nature of most fast-food establishments seems to have become – their products, their growing number of locations, the increase in 24-hour availability – we are still, unfortunately, subject to a little thing called free-will, which remains intact no matter how tempting that bucket containing corn, cheese, potatoes, gravy and fried-chicken may be.

I wonder if the most avid fast-food protestors are simultaneously the fast-food chain’s most prolific patrons.

Everyone struggles with something that seems to exert a mysterious power over them, be it food, alcohol, cigarettes, porn or text messaging. It is not, in any way, my intention to trivialize addiction. I do, however, find it a bit unrealistic and, more importantly, futile to simply eliminate one’s perceived source of their individual struggle. If all fast-food chains were eliminated tomorrow, my guess is that we would continue to have an outrageous number of obese Americans for generations to come. Similarly, if all of the alcohol on earth disappeared, Wall Street would see a rise in the stock of cigarette companies, and there would probably be a substantial increase in illegal drug trafficking.

I’m not suggesting that, for someone with a severe eating disorder, simply choosing not to partake in fast-food would be easy or even helpful. Be it choosing therapy, support, accountability from friends, whatever – all we have any hope of controlling is ourselves. The route to liberating oneself from a fast-food addiction – or any other, for that matter – would likely be more successfully solved, not by looking outward, but by turning one’s attention inward.

Fast-food chains will come and go, as will drug fads, new technologies to increase the number of terrible drivers on the roads and, most likely, another season of “The Bachelor”. So I propose that instead of exhausting ourselves battling these potential evils, we make our point loud and clear by ensuring that our actions match our opinions. Check yourself into rehab. Attend an AA meeting. Don’t watch reality television. For God’s sake, stop texting while driving. And if you’re so convinced that fast food is disgusting and evil, eat a salad.

Of course, if a bucket of chicken would perfectly compliment your holiday atmosphere, then pick up the phone and order on, soldier. Order on.

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This is Column # NS40. Request permission to publish here.