North Star Writers Group

It has come to my attention that a column I wrote two weeks ago was widely misinterpreted. More than a few people were quite shocked to hear an assault on the words “Merry Christmas” coming from me. But allow me to clear the air. I was utilizing a literary device commonly referred to as sarcasm.

Perhaps I went too far. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say I didn’t go far enough.

What’s important is not whether or not the column was understood. What’s important is that the column was read.

You see, it’s actually been a hell of a long time since I even tried to write something potentially meaningful. Instead, I have discovered that an 800-word column, which may take up about three minutes of an average person’s time, is more likely to be read if filled with pure, mind-numbing gobbledygook.

It’s like pop music, Il Divo or Yanni, for example. It’s not about something that might actually leave you in a state of mental conflict. This would be downright cruel. It is considerably more humane, on the other hand, to find that perfect balance between the profound and the absurd.

Music’s not your bag? Let me think of another example. Consider the nightly news. One might think, “Hmm, here is a group of people with every imaginable system of communication right at its disposal, and their only job is to gather important, relevant information and quite easily deliver it to me via some cameras, a satellite and my television set. Without a doubt, I am about to be confronted with something that will positively, and meaningfully affect my life.”

But little do you realize, what may appear as significant or relevant – round-the-clock coverage of lost climbers in peril, a heroic story about a courageous Cocker Spaniel, the latest information concerning which everyday items may increase your odds of getting cancer (microwave ovens, overly-ornamented Christmas trees, hardwood floors, etc.) – is actually in place for no reason other than stealing your attention and turning your brain into noodle salad.

It’s OK. You didn’t need it anyway.

What we need is anything that will take our minds off of whatever was plaguing them, and allow them to focus on being noodle salad again. The most important thing is that our noodle salads remain both occupied and vacant at the same time.

And really, isn’t that the point of absurdities, such as ranting and raving against something so utterly harmless as saying “Merry Christmas,” to a stranger? Why else would anyone spend so much time and effort on behalf of something so utterly pointless? No, our heroic crusades in the name of whatever fits the most recent definition of “politically correct” are never really about bettering our national culture, our social awareness or engaging the critical capacity of our minds. They are about nothing more or less important than noodle salad.

So crank up your radios. Check out Il Divo’s latest renditions of the ’80s’ greatest hits. Don’t miss Katie Couric tomorrow night. Sean Hannity is waiting. Important things are going on and we’re all missing them!

Really, we are.

Because the important things are not happening on television. You won’t find them on the radio. You definitely won’t find them in Hollywood. And as I said, you won’t find them in a column, either.

Saying a kind word to a stranger, on the other hand. There is one that will always be important, will always matter, and will always make a positive difference in the world.

To offer feedback on this column, click here.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # NS38. Request permission to publish here.