December 6, 2006

New Cell Phone? Resistance is Futile!

I got a new cell phone last week.

OK, it’s true that my old cell phone was working perfectly, did everything I needed, and even had a bunch of features on it that I still hadn’t figured out how to use. It’s just that every two years my cell phone company gives me a new one for free - meaning that the price I pay for service is so exorbitant that they can afford to do that.

So you see, it was really just a matter of carefully weighing all the economic subtleties of the situation and making the rational decision to take the new phone. That, and like most men, I’m attracted to shiny objects.

My wife also got a new phone. She didn’t really want to, but she had used her old phone as a tack hammer once too often, and for the past six months her directory had been displaying all of the entries in Cantonese. She decided that getting a new phone was easier than taking the language classes.

So we went down to the cell phone store and handed our phones over to a clerk wearing a black World Of WarCraft t-shirt under his white dress shirt and clip-on necktie. He explained our options to us and patiently answered insightful questions like, “Will this phone do any better than the old one if I accidentally drop it in the blender with the margaritas?”

My wife picked out a model that looked as much like her old phone as possible, on the theory that if it looked the same it should work the same, and that would make it easier for her to set up and use. The clerk, struggling to stifle his laughter, handed her the new phone and a five-pound stack of user manuals.

I, on the other hand, was in the mood for a change. I wanted to move up to the newest technology, experiencing the very latest developments in the exciting world of wireless telecommunications. After careful consideration, I chose a Razr.

This thing is pretty cool. Despite the name, I haven’t figured out yet how to shave with it, but I can download and listen to whole albums of music. I can do email and text-messages. I can browse the Web. My Razr has a built-in video camera so I can shoot still pictures and home movies. It has a calendar, alarm clock, world clock, notepad, calculator and (this is absolutely true) a Global Positioning System. I can, for a price, download entire movies to enjoy on my Razr’s giant 1-inch  color screen.

I can even use it to make and receive phone calls.

My Razr came with a Bluetooth wireless headset. You’ve seen these things. They hang in your ear and let you use the phone without ever touching it.  My Bluetooth headset is comfortable, it works fine and the calls sound great on both ends. The only down side is that it has a large flashing blue light on it, so when I’m using it I look like I’m about to say, “Resistance is futile!” and assimilate everyone around me into the Borg collective.

If you didn’t understand that last Star Trek - The Next Generation reference, don’t worry; it’s not really worth looking up. If you did, I’ll bet you can tell me where I can buy myself a World of WarCraft t-shirt.

Next week: Programming A New Cell Phone - The Agony and the Ecstasy.

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