November 29, 2006

The Official Language of the U.S.: American

Earlier this year the United States Senate passed a resolution declaring English the official language of this country. It seems that our great nation never actually had an official language before.

Wow! Hooray for the Red, White and Blue! At long last, our people will be united under a common set of nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs and, yes, even the occasional gerund. We'll all speak English!

So when do we start?

"Hey, wait just a darned minute here," you may say, "I done been talking English all my life! And stuff!"

Well, Bucko, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but whatever it is we've been "talking" all our lives here in America falls a bit on the "not so much" side of what our British cousins consider the mother tongue. What we actually speak in these here parts is "American."

The difference between "American" and "English" is simple - "American" generally involves using a whole lot fewer words. Entire British phrases like, "I'm terribly sorry, but could you possibly repeat that?" or "I would be eternally grateful if you would be so kind as to elucidate that last point," are replaced in American with the elegant and versatile, "Huh?"

Now while Americans may not be universally considered the Language of The Bard, it could arguably be called the Language of the Lard. We are obsessed with consumption, and so when it comes to food, our national lexicon is rich and varied.

Americans have more words for hamburger than Inuits have for snow*. We have the "Big Mac," the "Steakburger," the "Quarter Pounder" (with and without cheese), the "Patty Melt," the "Whopper," the "Hot & Juicy," the "Blimpy Burger" (found at Krazy Jim's, at the corner of Packard and Division for you non-Ann Arborites), the "Insert-Name-Of-Bar-That's-Serving-It-Here Burger," and the very aptly if nauseatingly-named "Slider."

Apparently accuracy is not all that important in the culinary segment of the American language. "Hamburgers" have nothing to do with ham, "French fries" have nothing to do with France and "hot dogs" have (I hope) nothing to do with dogs.

There are many other instances in which "American" is very different from "English." In English, "football" involves thin people in shorts sprinting around on a huge green field of grass, bouncing incredibly hard white volleyballs off their heads, then falling to the ground and writhing in agony if another thin person in shorts happens to brush up against them.

In American, "football" means gigantic men in full armor repeatedly crashing head-to-head into each other until they are either unconscious or crippled, while pretty girls in skimpy costumes dance around on the sidelines.

Now that's a sport!

So, Senate, let's be clear on what we are trying to accomplish here. The way your legislation reads, if we're going to speak English we're all going to need to learn completely new meanings for words like "torch," "bonnet," "chips," "lift," "kidney pie" and "blimey."

On second thought, it might be best if you did not, to paraphrase George W. Bush, misunderestimate our own rich culturizational heritage. Yes, it might just be that there is really only one choice for the official language here in America:

American.

*The commonly repeated adage that the Inuit people have anywhere from 150 to 400 words for "snow" turns out to be a myth. They actually have five or six words describing different kinds of snow, about the same as we have in English. All those other words turn out to be variations on the phrase, "From The South Come A Bunch Of Ignorant Meatheads."

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