It’s been a while since Dr. Mike made an appearance on these pages. In fact, my newer readers are probably not even aware that I actually have a PhD, a Doctorate of Tequila Shots conferred by the prestigious University of Tim Online. This makes me at least as qualified to solve your most difficult and sensitive personal problems as, say, Dr. Laura.

Today’s mail is a bit unique in that it actually came from a real, live reader and so it possibly represents a real, live problem. Go figure.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

My in-laws moved in with us a couple of months ago and they are starting to drive me crazy. They eat at regular times, go to bed early, and believe it or not, they expect my wife and I to help out with the cost of maintaining the house!

As luck would have it, they own the house, but doggone it, we were here first. Now I have to put on my pants before I wander down to the kitchen.

What can I do?

Sincerely,

Hate Covering Up Those Fruit-Of-The-Looms

Well Fruit, you might try saying, “Beetlejuice” three times. If this fails (and it will – didn’t you see the movie? Twenty years ago, Michael Keaton, Geena Davis – good flick, but kind of weird.) You may have to resort to more drastic measures to get rid of your in-laws. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Respond to one of the many business opportunities that show up in your email every day and start a home business in the back yard. Maybe a Skunk Ranch or a Freelance Sewage Treatment Plant.

2. Whenever you’re around your in-laws, wear hockey gear, speak with a Russian accent, and begin every sentence with, “Look, I mean…” Rely on speed and stick work instead of good, honest checking.

3. Complain to your father-in-law that the Slave Trade just isn’t what it used to be, and that you can’t even sell the kids for enough money to cover the shipping.

4. Get up each morning at 3 a.m. and run through the house screaming, “Bananas are really a perfect food!”

5. Tell your mother-in-law that you think she’s a “pretty classy dame” and that she’s probably a lot better in the sack than everybody says.

6. Buy a cat. Something like a cougar or a mountain lion.

7. Announce that you’re going to pick up “a little something to protect the family,” then come home with a box of hand grenades. Please note, if your in-laws are Republicans, don’t bother with this one – they’ll think it’s a great idea.

8. Join a pagan cult and invite them over to your house for coffee. Then sacrifice a goat in the living room.

9. Join a heavy metal rock band and invite them over to your house to practice. Then sacrifice a goat in the living room.

10. When you’re roaming around the house, don’t worry about covering up those Fruit-Of-The-Looms. In fact, don’t even wear the Fruit-Of-The-Looms. Maybe you could substitute a little number fashioned from duct tape and a sandwich bag. Trust me, nobody wants to see that – or even think about it.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you try all of these suggestions you will wind up with either a house that is completely in-law-free, or a restraining order. And if you also happen to lose your wife somewhere between the cougar and the pagan cult, just remind yourself it will leave more space for the band to practice, etc.

Thanks for writing.

Be sure to send all those important, life-changing questions that you would like to have solved by a professional Village Idiot to mike@drfunnyguy.com. I may use them in some future column, giving you the deep satisfaction of knowing that you may have helped screw up somebody else’s life.

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