August 27, 2007

Everything I Know About Boats – Part II

Last week we began an excursion into the wonderful world of watercraft, exploring my deep knowledge of boats, boating and the dislodging of women’s bathing suits. Here, as promised, is the second installment of:

Bilgewater Ball’s Guide To Stuff You Might See Floating On A Pretty Good Lake

Sail Boat – There are a wide variety of “Sail Boats” indigenous to Pretty Good Lakes. Among the smallest of these is the Sunfish, which is essentially a pointed plank with a “sail,” a “rudder” and a “running board.” The sail catches the wind and moves the boat, the rudder steers the boat and the running board shoots up and hits you in the stomach to let you know you’ve reached shallow water.

One of the most popular types of Sail Boat is the “Hobie Cat.” Equipped with large sails and rigged for relatively high speeds, the Hobie Cat consists of two sleek hulls with a “trampoline” in the middle for the sailors. The hulls are spaced wide apart to make it really hard to tip the boat over.

The object of sailing a Hobie Cat is to tip it over hard enough to launch the sailors off the trampoline and into “orbit.”

The largest Sail Boat you are likely to see on a Pretty Good Lake would be the “Sloop,” named for the meaty thud you hear when the boom swings around and knocks you into the water.

Pontoon Boat – These specialized craft are possibly the most common craft seen on any Pretty Good Lake. They are sometimes called, in a masterpiece of redundancy, “Float Boats,” or in a masterpiece of understatement, “Party Barges.”

In their simplest form, they basically consist of plywood attached to a pair of aluminum pontoons, with a motor strapped on. Since Pontoon Boats are very often used in “Party Barge” mode, there is usually some sort of railing added around the outside of the plywood to keep the members of the party from wandering off the barge and into the Pretty Good Lake.

While most people would consider a Pontoon Boat to be perfectly equipped if it has a set of lawn chairs and a six pack, a lot of them come with sun shelter tops, plush couches, stereos, toilets, GPS navigation systems, depth finders and other comforts. This is to justify charging $25,000 for plywood attached to a pair of aluminum pontoons.

There is a recent trend toward putting large motors on Pontoon Boats. This is so that modern Pontoon Boaters can enjoy the challenge of trying to control a craft that runs like a rocket sled and handles like a floating bulldozer.

Personal Water Craft – “Personal Water Craft,” also known as “PWC” or “$*^@% Jet Skis,” are very fast and very agile. They are also inexpensive and easily transported on a trailer, making them ideal boats for people whose knowledge of the open sea comes mainly from taking showers and watching “Flipper” reruns.

Nautical tradition dictates that all PWC must follow navigational patterns ranging from “Completely Arbitrary” to “Wildly Erratic.” This has in turn spawned a nautical tradition among owners of larger boats to stop occasionally so that they can clean the PWC owners off their windshields.

So there you have it, a fairly comprehensive list of . . . Stuff You Might See Floating On A Pretty Good Lake. Of course, there are any number of related objects you will occasionally find bobbing about, including oars, canoe paddles, water skis, water skiers, bits of PWC, bikini tops and unconscious sailors.

Happy boating!