August 20, 2007

Everything I Know About Boats: Part I

Ever since my remote ancestor Oog Ball sat by the water in front of his cave and used his stone axe to hack a birch log into a 21-foot Mastercraft, my family has been involved with boats. Over many thousands of years the Balls have enjoyed a proud tradition at sea, from Titus “Blisterfingers” Ball, the famous galley slave, to Bilgewater Ball, who served as ballast with Admiral Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar.

Of course, all of my ancestors who came to this country arrived by ship – although since they were Irish, they traveled fifth class, which is often playfully referred to by the other four classes as “freight.”

Now it seems like all this nautical heritage should make me some sort of an expert on boats, so I’ve decided to write a comprehensive guide to watercraft. I happen to live a long way from any kind of “big” water, like an ocean or a Great Lake, but I am fortunate enough to live on a Pretty Good Lake, and I’m familiar with the boats on it. For this reason, and in honor of my distant ancestor’s close relationship with Lord Nelson, I’m calling my guide:

“Bilgewater Ball’s Guide to Stuff You Might See Floating on A Pretty Good Lake.”

Ski Boat – A “Ski Boat” is one of the most common craft you will encounter on the modern Pretty Good Lake. There will usually be a person in a bathing suit clinging to the end of a rope and hurtling across the water behind the Ski Boat. These people are participating in the sport known as “Water Skiing.”

The object of Water Skiing when you’re towing a man is to hope he falls down so you can laugh at him. The object of Water Skiing when you’re towing a woman is to hope she falls down and dislodges parts of her swim suit.

There is a variation of the sport of Water Skiing, called “Tubing,” in which the participants, male or female, are dragged along behind the boat, clinging to some sort of floating device, while the boat driver performs the most violent and erratic maneuvers possible. This continues until all of the participants’ swimsuits and/or limbs are dislodged.

Fishing Boat – Fishing is by nature a quiet, contemplative sport. The modern state-of-the-art “Fishing Boat” has a 300 HP outboard motor that will take these fiberglass torpedoes just past the speed of sound. The theory here is apparently that if you can’t actually “Catch” the fish, you can “Stun” them with your “Sonic Boom.”

There are many other kinds of boats that can be used for fishing, including the rare and exotic “Rowboat.” This is powered by two wooden “Oars.” Using a Rowboat provided what was once known as “Exercise.” Plus, they were more polite - a fisherman in a Rowboat was able to sneak up right behind the fish and then quietly invite them over for dinner.

Canoe – A “Canoe” is a long, skinny boat with two pointy ends. This Native American craft is familiar to us all from the poem “Hiawatha”, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, which goes:

Forth upon the Gitche Gumee,

On the shining Big-Sea-Water,

Such long hair had Hiawatha

Big Chief thought he had a Daughter.

Or something like that.

Much like a Rowboat, the Canoe is propelled by a wooden “Paddle.” It is fairly common on any busy Pretty Good Lake to see canoeists performing the festive “Waving of the Paddle in the Air” ceremony as the wake from a passing Ski Boat flips them into the water.

Kayak – This is the Inuit version of a Canoe, also propelled by the Paddle. Usually made of the traditional “Red Plastic” so common in the Arctic, the “Kayak” wraps securely around the user’s body. For this reason, when a Kayak is flipped over by a passing Ski Boat, the “Waving of the Paddle in the Air” ceremony is generally followed by the ritual “Holding of the Breath and Frantic Struggling in an Upside-Down Kayak.”

Next week in “Everything I Know About Boats, Part II”, we’ll discuss Party Barges, Sail Boats, Nautical Crotch Rockets and other Boats That Go Way Too Fast.