July 30, 2007

Fyxenstuff and Fartengood: The Measures Of A Man

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the relative degrees of difficulty we guys experience in dealing with women. You may recall that I suggested that every woman be assigned a number, exhibited prominently, that would reflect how much of a challenge she was likely to present.

For example, if a guy were to meet a “perfect 10” at a party in his 50-room mansion in upstate New York, he could reasonably expect to wake up two weeks later to find himself living in a dumpster in Oakland.

Surprisingly enough, some of my female readers took issue with this whole idea. Here’s one email I received:

Dear Scum-Sucking Bucket of Sexist Slime,

How dare you suggest that some women might in any way be unpleasant? Why, I’d send my husband over to beat you up if he hadn’t chewed his own head off to get out of going with me to visit my mother. The coward.

Sincerely,  

Your Biggest Fan.

Well Biggest, you have my condolences on the loss of your husband. If it’s any consolation to you, I’m sure he’s in a much happier place now.

Several other women suggested that it would be only fair to institute a rating system for men, despite the fact that, as I have often pointed out, men are about as subtle as a brick to the side of the head.

Well ladies, there are a number of ways that have been used to rate men over the years. We are all familiar with the Fyxenstuff Index, developed by the famous anthropologist, Carl Fyxenstuff. In his system, a man’s Fyxenstuff Index is calculated by counting the number of clogged drains in a man’s house, adding bonus points for any item that has been broken and waiting for repair since the Carter administration, then dividing by the number of tools he owns that he knows which end to hold onto.

A man with a Fyxenstuff Index of one or less will have an almost perfectly functioning house, while somebody with a rating of 10 or more probably has at least one major appliance held together with duct tape.

Then there is the Fartengood Figure, which measures the likelihood of a man breaking into uncontrollable giggling and issuing a what-he-believes-to-be clever comment immediately after he produces any obnoxiously loud bodily function.

A related measurement, the Fartenoften Number, attempts to measure the frequency with which a man actually produces obnoxiously loud bodily functions. This has been found to be pretty much useless for all practical purposes, however, since every man ever studied has registered a Fartenoften Number that was too large to be written without using exponential functions and advanced calculus.

We might consider other measurements like the Cleanjockey Quotient, which measures a married man’s likelihood of sorting and washing his own socks and underwear (negligibly small) or the Kidsblushen Calculation, which measures his ability to humiliate his children (nearly infinite). But I’m not sure that these would serve any real purpose.

So, ladies, I would like to invite you to write and tell me how you would like us men rated. Should we use a combination of the Fyxenstuff Index and the Fartengood Figure, or do you have another measurement in mind? Send your suggestions to fartengood@whativelearnedsofar.com.

But please be kind – like all men, my feelings are extremely delicate.