June 11, 2007

The Extraordinary Discipline of a Serious Columnist

You know, I’ll bet writing a column like this one looks like a pretty easy job. All you have to do is ramble on for a while about whatever you think needs rambling on about, crank out some jokes and check it over to make sure that at least most of what you’ve written is English. Then you just pack your masterpiece off to the syndicate and bathe in the deep satisfaction of a job well done.

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not always that easy. Like right now - the sun is shining, the birds are singing and one of my friends just called me from his ski boat to see if I could come out to play. Of course, being the disciplined professional that I am . . .

OK, I’m back. I think I may have slightly strained a hamstring on that last set on the jump skis, so it actually feels kind of good to sit here at the computer and get my work done. After all, I have responsibilities. I simply have to ignore distractions like this other friend who just called me from his new boat to help him see if the racing engine he had installed will let us go faster than 90 mph . . .

OK, I’m back. I just have to catch my breath and polish the dead bugs off my glasses, then I can get back down to business.

As I was saying, on days like this I have to rely on a strong work ethic to get my job done. It’s kind of like that old fable of the ant, who worked hard to get ready for the winter, while the grasshopper just danced around and played the fiddle all day. As I recall the story, when winter came the ant was all cozy and well-fed, while the grasshopper was cold and hungry outside in the snow.

Of course, when spring rolled around the world’s only fiddle-playing grasshopper signed a million-dollar recording contract, while the ant got fried by a third grader with a magnifying glass.

But that’s not the point. The point is, I have to maintain a high level of creative focus and intensity to deliver the kind of product my readers have come to expect. I’ve invested in a good laptop Mac, so I can sit on the deck and enjoy nice weather while I work. Being a seasoned pro, I have trained myself to shut out distractions like that pontoon boat full of friends who just pulled up to the dock and invited me to go out with them to taste-test Beers of All Nations. I simply have to politely but firmly tell them that I have work to do…

OK, I’m backety-back-back.  Hee, hee, hee. Who’d have known that beer could reflect such a rich cultural divers . . . div . . . so much cultural stuff. And stuff. But now I really have to get crankin’ on the old column-poo, even though I could use a little nap…

OK, I’m back. The bottom line of this whole thing is, to be a columnist you need to develop a steely resolve to make sure the job is done and done well, no matter what may be going on around you. Like right now, in response to this invitation to judge the Swedish Bikini Team Beach Volleyball Competition, I can conscientiously do a word count to see if I have enough . . 

  © 2007, Michael Ball