April 2, 2007

Where’s the Reality on These Shows?

Yesterday my friend Clyde asked me, “Did you see ‘American Idol’ the other night? Man, I thought for sure Traci was going to make it, but they got rid of her and kept that moron Todd. And then that the giant squid got hold of Miranda and Kevin, and he ripped out and ate their still-beating hearts, so now it looks like Todd, or even Clarissa, could win it all…”

Ok, I’ll admit that I have never actually seen “American Idol”, so my recollection of everything Clyde said after “Have you seen…” is kind of fuzzy. I could be wrong about the giant squid thing.

Anyway, let’s put this into perspective. Clyde is a guy who thinks that watching a stock ticker is nail-biting entertainment. The articles in the Wall Street Journal are sometimes just a little bit too playful for his taste. He watches CSPAN.

Clyde is a serious individual.

And yet here he is, caught up in the human drama of a group of young amateur entertainers who try, week after week, to tailor their performances to please three judges - a bass guitar player, a slightly past-her-best-days singer and an Englishman who is qualified to judge the performances of young amateur entertainers because he was once involved in the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers cd, and because he might just be the nastiest human being who ever walked the planet. And no, I have not forgotten about Caligula, Jack the Ripper, Vlad the Impaler, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.

Clyde is not alone in his obsession with “American Idol”. Every week, millions of people watch the show so that they can vote against whatever Simon says. And millions more faithfully watch the endless stream of other “reality shows” that have come to dominate the pages of TV Guide.

The first reality show I can remember seeing was “Real World”, in which young, physically attractive contestants live together and continuously whine at each other, or about each other, until someone snaps and gets voted out of the house. Then “Road Rules” came along, a show in which they did all these things while riding around in a Winnebago and entering greased pig contests.

OK, I am aware that “Cops” – the show that proved to the world that you should never wear a stained tank top and sagging jeans if you intend to get really dunk, hit your wife with a frozen chicken pot pie, then have a chat with a police officer – was around for years before “Real World”. I choose not to define “Cops” as a typical reality show because instead of getting voted off, you get thrown down, handcuffed and crammed into the back seat of a police cruiser. Different kind of reality.

I think the reality show turning point was “Survivor”, which pits photogenic young adventurers and investment bankers against the brutal forces of nature. “Survivor” episodes have been filmed in remote locations all over the world, where the contestants’ only tenuous links to civilization and survival itself are the crew trailer and the satellite uplink.

Over the past few years reality shows have proliferated like empty police cruisers in the parking lot at a Dunkin’ Donuts grand opening. We now have “Dancing with the Stars”, “America’s Next Top Model”, “Blind Date”, “Beauty and the Geek”, “Fear Factor” and countless other tests of human talent, endurance and willingness to eat earthworms.

We even have “The Search For the Next Doll”, in which athletic (ahem) young women in skimpy costumes compete for the chance to join Nicole, Ashley, Kimberly, Melody, Jessica and Carmit, to become a household name as a member of the world-famous Pussycat Dolls.

OK, if you ever saw or heard of the Pussycat Dolls before this show – or, for that matter, before this column – please send me an email. I’d like to know what else you’ve been watching.

So what could be next on the reality show horizon? How do you top a bunch of pretty girls in string bikinis and hunky guys in board shorts falling off a crane and into the East River? Well, I’m thinking that a show featuring some sort of actual reality might be interesting. The kind of “reality” you and I experience. Maybe something like:

“America’s Next Visa Card - The Minimum Amount Due”

ght © 2007, Michael Ball

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