March 19,
2007
A
Pilgrimage To Paradise Part 3 – A Scientific Interlude With A Two-Headed
Calf
Todd
Junior’s heartfelt request drifts on the clear Florida morning breeze
like the sweet sound of a Chihuahua giving birth to a litter of St.
Bernards;
“I wanna
see Mickey and Goofy!”
Dad rubs
his eyes and says, “Look son, we’ve gone over this already. We’ve been
to Disney World three times a year for the past nine years. We have the
theme songs from every ride memorized. We’re on a first name basis with
all the ride attendants. I figure that we’ve spent around three grand
each time we’ve gone there, which means that at this point Disney has
something like $81,000 of our money. This time we’re going to try
something a little different.”
Mom smiles
at Todd Junior and says, “Besides, Key West will be fun! There are lots
of gift shops!”
“Will there
be rides?” sobs Todd Junior.
“No, but
there are some of the best transvestite bars in North America,” chirps
Little Suzie, looking up from the copy of The Modern Queen’s Guide To
The Florida Keys that Mom mistakenly bought along with her
Frommer’s.
“I’ll get
everybody a new T-shirt!” says Mom, snatching the book out of Little
Suzie’s hands and tossing it into the pool.
And so The
Family waves goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa, leaves the friendly
confines of the Golden Palmetto Bug Motor Lodge in Pompano Beach and
heads south. “Key West, here we come! Just 198 miles to go!” sings Mom.
Seven
hours, a tank of gas, 11 drive-through’s, and 15 potty stops later, they
pull into Key West.
“That drive
wasn’t so bad,” says Mom through clenched teeth.
“We’re
going to abandon the car here and fly home,” says Dad.
“Look!”
cries Little Suzie, “It’s the Café La-Te-Da, home of the All Star
She-Male Review…”
“I have to
go poop,” says Todd Junior.
Before
long, The Family is walking happily down Duval Street. Todd Junior,
sporting a brand new “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, is trying to convince
Little Suzie to walk next to him. Little Suzie gives the rest of her
melting chocolate ice cream cone to Todd Junior to supplement the
interesting brown abstract artwork already in progress on the front of
his shirt. Dad is wearing his new wrap-around sunglasses, trying not to
get caught staring at the two young women wearing rollerblades and thong
bathing suits on the sidewalk ahead of them.
Bernie the
Schnauzer is still tied to the streetlamp outside the gift shop where
Dad purchased his sunglasses and four of the always-hilarious
Invisible Dog On A Leash novelties.
And then
Mom spots it – the fabled Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum! Where else
can you see, under one roof, a car made from 10,000 dimes, a two-headed
calf, a vampire killing kit, a fake mermaid and an autographed pair of
Madonna’s underpants?
And so, as
the sun sets on Key West, the home of Ernest Hemingway’s six-toed cats
and the southernmost point in the Continental United States, we leave
The Family, reaching the pinnacle of their vacation in a rigorous
celebration of culture and the true spirit of scientific inquiry.
Next week:
Something completely different.
Copyright © 2007,
Michael Ball
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© 2007 Michael Ball.
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