March 5, 2007

A Pilgrimage to Paradise Part 1: We Always Drive Straight Through

Dad squints into the hot morning sun and crushes a new set of indentations into the steering wheel with a grip that only 23 solid hours of expressway driving and gas station coffee can produce. Mom snores next to him, drooling into a pillow propped against the passenger-side window. Todd Junior and Little Suzie are sprawled in the back seat, serenely drifting along in their childish dreams amid a haze of Twizzler fumes. Bernie the Schnauzer is seated between them trying to inconspicuously polish off the Super Jumbo bag of beef jerky propped between Todd Junior’s legs.

The car rounds a long curve on the highway and passes a 1987 Cadillac, apparently being driven by a fedora hat and permanently signaling a right turn.

And then it happens. The Sign heaves into view, that warm green rectangle resplendent with glorious white letters shouting out the message Dad has been anticipating throughout the past few hours of his caffeine-induced hallucinations:

“Pompano Beach – This Exit.”

As he guides the car down the exit ramp, and after three tries at clearing his throat, he croaks, “We’re here! Next stop, a whole week at Grandma and Grandpa’s place!”

Mom snorts her way out of a dream involving a remote desert island, a bottle of champagne, a harem outfit, some light bondage and Johnny Depp. Bernie the Schnauzer rockets into the front seat wearing the jerky bag on his head like a hood. And, as a matter of pure subliminal reflex, Todd Junior slugs Little Suzie on the arm.

Minutes later The Family pulls into the parking lot of Grandma and Grandpa’s home for the winter, the Golden Palmetto Bug Motor Lodge.

Mom, Bernie the Schnauzer and the kids bound out of the car and toward Grandma and Grandpa’s room as Dad rolls out from under the steering wheel and onto the pavement, unable to straighten his legs. A gray-haired man wearing a canary yellow polyester aloha shirt, lime green polyester shorts, knee socks and sandals pauses next to Dad as he struggles to his feet and says, “Are you the plumber? Been waiting for you all day, boy. Them pipes ain’t going to fix themselves, you know.”

Given their 11 years of seniority at the Golden Palmetto Bug, Grandma and Grandpa’s room is in a prime poolside location. Dad, Mom, Bernie and the kids have been assigned to a “Short Term Guest Room” a little further back in the rear of the old building, with a scenic view across the dumpster to Slick Al’s Liquor Shack and the Pompano Porno Emporium.

By the time Dad has hauled the fifth load of luggage up to the room, the kids are in the pool, squealing with joy and pelting each other with the bits of waterlogged detritus they’ve found floating in the sparkling brown water. Mom is in a lawn chair showing Grandma the latest pictures of Stan and Stacy’s new baby girl. It’s 85 degrees in the shade and Grandpa, wearing a flannel shirt and corduroys, has gone in to get a sweater. Bernie the Schnauzer is over by the Coke machine cornered by a cockroach the size of a cougar.

And so begins The Family’s escape from the frozen north, their trek to spend a little time with Grandma and Grandpa in Florida. Next week:

A Pilgrimage To Paradise Part 2 –The Fort Lauderdale Old Country Buffet.

Copyright © 2007, Michael Ball

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