December 25, 2006
The
Legalities of the Santa Clause
From the
Law Offices of Pimberton and Marlowe, PC
December
26, 2006
Mr. Kris
Kringle
Chairman
and CEO
St. Nicholas Enterprises, LLC
The North
Pole
Dear Mr.
Kringle,
As a senior
partner here at Pimberton and Marlowe I’m writing to you as a follow-up
to our pre-Christmas correspondence and our firm’s subsequent research.
First,
though, let me thank you for your prompt advice regarding that personal
issue we discussed last week. You were right, the keys to a silver 2007
335i Coupe under the tree did indeed make up for a regrettable lapse of
judgment at the firm’s Christmas party.
But down to
business. Just as you suspected, our research team has found that there
does exist a substantial loophole in your contract’s current
Naughty/Nice Determination Guidelines. To be specific, the exact
language of Section 2, Subparagraph 3 is as follows:
2.3
Naughty/Nice Determinations shall be applied during one calendar year
running from 12:00 AM on January 1 through 11:59 PM on December 31 of
that same year.
And later,
in Section 17, Subparagraph 9 the contract states:
17.9
Punishment for any of the above-described Naughty infractions shall be
exacted on Christmas morning, December 25, of the calendar year during
which said infractions were committed, specific punishment to be
determined according to the following sentencing guidelines…
As you
suspected, these two statements combine to form what we here at
Pimberton and Marlowe like to call the “Santa Clause” (just a little
seasonal lawyer humor there – ha, ha) which says in effect that all
naughty behavior taking place during a calendar year is dealt with on
December 25 of that year, while “new and actionable” naughty behavior
only begins to accrue on January 1 of the following year. Thus the
contract creates a sort of “free week” during which naughtiness cannot
be punished.
Yes Kris,
there is a “Santa Clause” (hee, hee, hee - oh my!).
Sorry.
As to your
proposal on how this situation might be rectified, every member of your
legal team feels that your statutory position on this would be tenuous
at best. We admit that there is logic and even a certain appeal to the
idea of dispatching teams of elves to selectively repossess Christmas
gifts on the day after New Year, based on Naughty/Nice data collected
during the week in question. And we even like your proposed name for the
new holiday: “Looting Day.”
However, we
see several potential difficulties with this idea, not the least of
which is the matter of “Breaking and Entering.” While we have in the
past always been successful in defending you against B&E charges (141
times so far – it just doesn’t seem possible, does it?), we have always
done so on the basis that your activities could not be construed as
burglary since you were leaving, not taking things.
Additionally, and as you are well aware, we are already on
constitutional thin ice with that whole “He sees you when you’re
sleeping” issue. With that class-action Invasion of Privacy lawsuit
pending, the idea of specifically adding a week of surveillance to your
current activities would be ill-advised at best.
And so, as
your legal advisors, we must recommend that you pursue no immediate
action regarding the “Santa Clause.” Your overall Performance Agreement
comes up for review in two years, and we feel that we may be able to
contractually remedy the situation at that time. In other words, for now
you should just take the week off and enjoy it.
I know I’m
going to.
As always,
we here at Pimberton and Marlowe are honored that you have selected our
firm to represent your interests.
Sincerely,
Kevin
Pimberton
Senior
Partner
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