December 18, 2006
Men at Christmas: Shopmentally Challenged
The holidays are
here again, and throughout the land families are getting ready for the
fun. The average mom is working day and night, addressing the cards,
planning the merry-making and doing everything in her power to make sure
that this Christmas will be the best ever. The average child is erupting
in a sustained explosion of anticipatory excitement like a little
bottle-rocket in matching mittens and stocking cap.
And the average husband is curled up somewhere
in a fetal position, sucking his thumb and counting the minutes until
the specter of Christmas shopping has passed.
Yes, this may come as a shock to many of my
female readers, but you see, men really aren’t all that good at
shopping. You see, women seem to find an endless source of joy in
spending nine or ten straight hours going from store to store in search
of just the right shade of black pants. An experience like that would
have just about any guy spending the next 20 years waking up in cold
sweats and screaming for the mercy of a quick check-out. In fact, there
are now support groups available for the uniquely male victims of what
has come to be known as Post-Traumatic Shopping Disorder.
Ladies, there are several reasons you should
learn not to expect much from your man in the way of Christmas shopping.
First, by your standards a man is as color-blind as a beagle. If you
say, “I’d like a blue sweater,” we will simply go out and buy you a
sweater that is blue.
Now, you will probably be amazed to learn that
a man can not grasp the absurdity of doing that. And you should know
that on Christmas morning when you patiently explain to us, “It’s really
nice, but I need robin’s egg to go with that mocha skirt your sister
gave me, and this is actually more of a periwinkle,” as far as your man
is concerned you might as well be speaking Swahili.
Second, our concept of how clothing should fit
is very different from yours. To most men, if a Large is comfortable, it
just stands to reason that an Extra-Large will be Extra-Comfortable.
This is apparently not quite how women look at it. A woman’s main
priority when it comes to clothing size is to have the smallest number
printed on the tag while still being able to stuff her body into said
clothing without either risking a complete loss of peripheral
circulation or triggering a matter-antimatter implosion.
To further raise a guy’s blood pressure and
leave him sitting in the mall fountain babbling dialogue from King Lear,
it seems that the numbers describing a woman’s clothing size varies
depending on the store you happen to be in. This means that that a
“nine” in the Bulimia Boutique is not the same as a “nine” in Bertha’s
Palace for Plus-Size Goddesses.
Finally, the male of our species has an
extremely short attention span where money is concerned. Women treat a
purchase like a sort of savings account, buying things on the premise
that they can “always take it back.” For this reason I believe that a
woman keeps a sort of mental passbook of all her purchases, so she
always has a pretty good idea of what she wants, what she has spent and
what she has in “return reserve.”
For a guy, once a dollar spent, it’s spent. If
he spends $50 in one store, he will blithely spend $50 in each of the
next 20 stores he goes into, never responding to or even understanding
the vague feeling of impending bankruptcy that orbits just outside his
sphere of consciousness.
So ladies, try to be understanding when your
husband cheerfully hands you a gift-wrapped Swifter, a lime green pant
suit and a gross of AA batteries on Christmas morning. Just remind
yourself that the poor guy is shopmentally challenged - and you can
always take it back.
To offer
feedback on this column,
click here.
© 2006 North Star
Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
Click here to talk to our writers and
editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.
To e-mail feedback about this column,
click here. If you enjoy this writer's
work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry
it.
This is Column # MB4. Request permission to publish here.
|