July 30, 2007

Oscar the Cat for President?

It seems that the animal kingdom is voting Democratic in the upcoming election. One of its candidates, Oscar, a representative from Providence, Rhode Island, has a strong record of commitment to promoting natural methods and direct involvement in constituents’ lives. Although he is a junior member of the party, his two years of service have drawn considerable attention from prominent cultural icons like Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

He drew an astounding amount of media coverage when his private practice at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center successfully predicted the deaths of no fewer than 25 patients. Following a regular pattern, Oscar, a usually taciturn and aloof individual, joins a terminally ill patient and spends the two-to-four hours it takes for the patient to pass away snuggling by his or her side.

Oscar comes from a humble background. Orphaned at a young age, he escaped the inevitable prospect of death when he was adopted by nurses from the pet-friendly facility. His biggest break came when the Home and Hospice Care of Rhode Island recognized him for the compassionate companionship he demonstrated for the patients by awarding him with a commemorative plaque engraved "Oscar - Steere House: For his compassionate quality end-of-life care."

His fast rise to fame has been challenged by scientists who suggest that Oscar’s only unique gift is his penchant for being in the right place at the right time or a magnified ability to, like all cats, smell what humans cannot. The latter allegation gained credibility when Jennifer Lopez confirmed Oscar was at the beginning stages of creating a new luxury fragrance line called “The Smell of Death” under her patronage.

However, the hype was cut short when this revelation was overshadowed by the controversial story by Channel 18 investigators showing considerable evidence that Oscar has used his ability to steal lives from the patients. Undisclosed sources tell us that Oscar is bankrupt, having lost the eight lives available to him playing Russian Roulette. He tried to maintain a low profile by keeping his business local and only risking petty-theft charges by taking the lives of people who would not notice anyway.

While local authorities comb the jurisdiction to bring him in for questioning, he is thought to be seeking legal counsel from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Yet our legal division stipulates that if he does not come forth in the immediate future, he risks becoming a cat in a bag.

In response, the local chapter of DemoCats is circulating a petition to increase Whiskas taxes with proceeds going to the Oscar legal counsel fund. Although this seems a far-fetched idea, they may reach their goal as more readers join the thousands who made Oscar’s story the top read news piece on prominent media web sources like BBC World News.

An ardent cat lady and professor at Brown University, Dr. Joan Teno shared her expertise with the world, telling The Register, "I don't think this is a psychic cat. I think there's probably a biochemical explanation." While this is indeed probable, chances are that the black cat crossing the authorities’ path has a better chance of avoiding racial profiling than Oscar does proving his innocence.

Like all scandals, these events have pointed the spotlight on the Democratic Party by association. However, unless Oscar foresaw the outcome of the upcoming election, his actions will reflect poorly on the ongoing campaign.

Yet Oscar’s case may not be lost. He is expected to appeal to the fat cats and is likely to receive a sympathetic ear from the Lion King who recently lost a Supreme Court battle against the Tiger for the title of King of the Jungle. If Oscar stops being a pussy and joins the well-connected Lion King, fur is going to fly, hopefully inspiring hospice care providers to implement higher hiring standards.