July 23, 2007

David Beckham: Not Sexy, Not Edgy, Not Noble

Integrity, gravitas, balls. Like Stephen Colbert, who named these three components as keys to success, the Los Angeles Galaxy’s newest star, David Beckham, has demonstrated his mastery of only one of these features.

Becks made his American debut this weekend at a soccer match against . . . well, someone. I’m not sure. All the news coverage, even by the British media, focused on everything but the game.

Reading stories about the event, I found out that the red carpet (yes, there was a red carpet at a soccer game), attracted a slew of people who think “Give him an Oscar!” is an expression of spectators’ approval.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Eva Longoria, Katie Holmes (with daughter Suri), Jennifer Love Hewitt and Michael Jordan all came to support Golden Balls. Maybe I missed an issue of Us Weekly, but when did Eva Longoria expand her athletic horizons past Tony Parker? Katie I can excuse, after months of watching Tom’s kids’ games. At least now she got to see something attractive get grass stains.

Don’t get me wrong – having to get up at 3 a.m. to watch the game several World Cups in a row has made me appreciate the newly found interest of the public in the sport. But there is nothing exciting about World Cup 2006 drawing more American viewers than World Series 2005 when what you are getting is a circus instead of a stadium.

Any sports fan, whatever his balls of choice, will agree that treating a sport as a fad and coming to a stadium for a photo-op is disrespectful to say the least. I don’t recall seeing stars flock to a soccer match until Beckham showed up, so why don’t you people just save the ticket money and spend it on whatever he is hawking these days?

With Beckham, the “should athletes do endorsements?” question is moot. “Should endorsers be athletes?” is far more fitting. His talent and passion for the sport are so overshadowed by his greed for fame and attention. In the current issue of W magazine, Beckham flexes his oiled body, turns his chiseled jaw and, if not for his Spice Girl wife as a reference point, looks like a tanned-to-perfection replica of Marky Mark.

It’s not sexy, it’s not edgy and it’s ignoble. When I think of soccer style, I want to think of my Boca Juniors t-shirts, not rhinestone “D.B.” tank tops or limited edition pashmina Galaxy scarves. When I am at a game, I want to see scraped knees, not overworked abs. It’s not meant to be dainty, it’s not meant to smell good and the seats were not designed for comfort. It’s a sport. The pace of the game, the energy of the players and the solidarity of fans when a red card is raised – that’s what makes soccer attractive. But not as attractive as Victoria Beckham will make it in Episode Six of her new reality show. And in Episode 11, David Beckham can teach Lindsay Lohan how to dribble with her alcohol monitor anklet on.

It looks like the Beckhams are taking integrity and gravitas of the game from behind, penalty free.