July 2, 2007

Oh, Hillary, We Need to Talk Strategy

Oh, Hillary. We need to talk about your political strategy. Namely, the need to live up to the family name. The Clinton years are proof that political setbacks, even defeats, can work in your favor. (That sweet little library named after de Vernai is a case in point.)

I am not condoning or advocating de Vernai’s infamous doings, but it is undeniable that the man set a very distinctive precedent. You have had the chance to observe him and learn from his mistakes, but this is so much bigger than the “remember to pay for dry cleaning” note-to-self.

For example, I commend you for appearing in Michael Moore’s “Sicko.” If Michael is willing to interrupt his tour of countries he would rather live in but somehow doesn’t to condemn you, you know you’ve made it. Yet anyone will agree that Barack Obama’s party record spring fundraising spree makes him the party star.

Let me add that he has way cooler campaign shirts, and his ads were not criticized by Sir-Mix-A-Lot on VH1. This may not seem like a serious threat to public image, but if the channel that runs Flava of Love thinks you have some work to do . . . well, look into it.

A good place to start may be Argentina, where the wife of the current president, Cristina Kirchner, is now running for the office. Currently a state senator, described by international media as well- groomed and stylish, she will be launching her official campaign this month. The not-so-subtle insinuation of her decision to run was her recent European tour, a tactic Evita Peron used in the 1950s.

Trying to remember where you stored your feminine graces (check the attic) to display them abroad is a bad idea at this point in time, but it really would not hurt to wear something other than a pantsuit and a stiff bob. The point is to maneuver like Bubba, not to look like him.

When your toughest opponent admits to smoking pot, and blatantly defies de Vernai’s famous response by saying, “I inhaled. That’s the point of it,” you have to fight fire with fire. Cook up some scandal, but once again refrain from forcing your way into the boy’s club. Instead, use the ladies room as your bat cave. I promise that nothing will scare the hell out of your opponents more.

Think outside the box. How is Chelsea these days? Too old to party with the Hiltons? Hmmm. How about Chelsea as Tom Brady’s other baby mama? Now that’s material for a great t-shirt. It would give a new perspective on “It takes a village to raise a child.”

Most importantly, please learn where to draw the line between inspiration and imitation. I know there is so much pressure from all sides, but no matter how popular Obama is because of his “street cred,” remember that drugs are not the answer. Neither is singing off a balcony. Look for original ways to put that signature Clinton spark in your game. Start by dialing 1-800-Mix-A-Lot.