January 29, 2007

When the Sexual Abuse Victim is a Man

Finding out that a friend of yours has been the victim of sexual assault and domestic violence is heartbreaking. It fills you with protective, empathetic and sometimes vengeful feelings. You are willing to disrupt your daily routine to provide the comfort, help and support your friend may require.

But what if that friend happens to be a man?

The National Institute of Justice and the Center for Disease Control estimated that 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are the victims of domestic violence each year.

Still, next to nothing has been done to encourage men to report physical or sexual abuse.  Decades after the feminist revolution, sexism is at its finest. Men are still the sole perpetrators, women the only victims.

It is hard to discern what causes this mentality. We have largely accepted the “male” traits in women and their manifestations in the world. Finding out that your colleague’s daughter is studying chemical engineering is not surprising. Finding out that your colleague is leaving his job as a chemical engineer for paternity leave still is.

I can wear pants, check my oil, speak out in class about international politics and economics. At the same time, my male equivalents are still getting picked on for wearing a pastel shirt (“dude, it’s not pink, it’s salmon.”), burning toast and hoping that no one they know will be in their Women’s Studies class.

More importantly, men are still held up to confining, unrealistic standards of what it means to be a “real man.” For example, some say that a man cannot be sexually assaulted because “men always want it.” This is no different than saying “she was asking for it.” In fact, several recent studies have shown that about 16-24 percent of male college students are coerced into unwanted sex. We need to encourage trust in the word of these men more than trust in our stereotype of a male college student.

Men who are abused by their wives or partners do not have the same social permit as women to be open about their situation or to seek help. The behaviors we encourage in women who are trapped in an abusive relationship are perceived as signs of weakness in men. In a sense, by limiting men to a certain parameter of acceptable behaviors, we limit their humanity.

Violence is a human issue and pain and suffering know no gender. Social justice and nondiscrimination are not just slogan words of underrepresented groups or minorities. They are ideals that can only be realized when they are applied equally to all.

In the case of sexual and physical abuse, that realization begins with recognizing a man’s decision to not raise a hand against a woman, even when attacked, as the courage that it represents.

It also includes allowing men the access to the same emotional, intellectual, financial and institutional resources to deal with abuse without fear or shame.

The difficulty of interpersonal relationships should not be maximized by misled stereotypes of masculinity. Making it safe and acceptable for men to seek and receive help for stereotypically “female” problems is necessary for the development of a society that fosters harmonious relationships.

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