May 7, 2007
Give Up the Game Show
Mindset and Improve Your Relationships
I
was a senior in High School. I was in class and my teacher was asking us
questions. She would ask a question and we would raise our hands if we
knew the answer. After three questions no one could miss that there was
a student in the back row bouncing out of his seat trying to answer
every question.
The problem was that he was probably not even aware that he was crowding
out other people’s contributions. He was so concerned with grabbing
every opportunity to show how smart he was that he took his eyes
completely off his relationship with others. I call this the Game Show
Mindset.
The Game Show Mindset is all about being right. You love being right and
you jump on opportunities to show what you know. You couldn’t care less
if the other guy scores a point. In fact, in your view, his points
scored are the ones you lost. People with the Game Show Mindset travel
around with a huge, invisible answer button. They stand ready to press
it at any time. I call them Game Show Contestants. And like a scary
movie, Game Show Contestants are everywhere!
Do
you know what Game Show Contestant Managers look like at work? Every
time they ask a question, they preface it with everything they know on
the subject. They want credit for their knowledge before they turn the
floor over to someone else. If anyone then responds with an answer that
they think they “should know,” they interrupt by saying things like,
“Yeah, exactly – that’s right, but what about such and such?” Game Show
Contestant Managers are like Hoover vacuums. They suck up all the
opportunities to shine.
This Game Show behavior happens at home too. I should know. I was caught
with my hand on the answer button last week. I wanted so much to be
right, that I rained on my wife’s parade.
Dawn had rearranged a few rooms in our home over the weekend while I was
away in New York leading a workshop (probably a good strategy when you
read below). She did a beautiful job in the house and worked very hard.
I was impressed and she was rightly proud of herself. The day after I
returned from my trip she started to apply her talent to the upstairs
office. And then I played the role of the Game Show Contestant.
I
said things like, “That won’t fit, I already measured it,” and “That
doesn’t look good if it’s not centered.” And then I carried my big
answer button to the kitchen and started in again, “That snack is not as
healthy as you think,” and blah, blah, blah. Like my high school friend
I got so caught up in “being right,” I missed the chance to be
supportive and encouraging.
Relationship researcher John Gottman would say that I was so focused on
being right, I missed what he calls “bids.” He says in his book, The
Relationship Cure, “A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a
touch – any single expression that says, ‘I want to feel connected to
you.’” Gottman’s research shows that most relationships succeed because
of the many small interactions people have. He says: “By becoming aware
and mindful of such moments, we can give and receive the intimacy and
support we all need from our closest relationships.”
Take Gottman’s guidance: Pay attention to your relationships. You can
take your hand off the answer button. There’s no need to jump out of
your seat to answer every question. Forget about racking up points on
the imaginary scoreboard. The rewards are much greater when you do.
© 2007 David J. Pollay.
Distributed by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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