North Star Writers Group

Recently my wife Dawn and I were asked two interesting questions. One person asked us, “Your parents do so much for you guys, why do you think they are so giving?” We accepted her question as a great compliment and tribute to the wonderful people that our parents are.

A couple weeks later, someone asked the second question: “You and Dawn give so much to your parents, how come you do so much for them?” We appreciated this question too. It warmly recognized what Dawn and I try to do for our parents. We love them very much and want to help make their lives easier and more enjoyable.

Until recently I held these questions separately in my mind. I now see they are part of the same question. Why do we all do so much for each other? The answer is that we are in what I call a “Love Cycle.”

A Love Cycle happens when people in a relationship do not know who started doing what for whom. They only know that there is constant giving and receiving in the relationship. The love expressed and the good works done on each other’s behalf happen so often that there’s no purpose in keeping score. People in a Love Cycle are what I call “Love Cyclers.”

A friend of mine once had a temporary job counting cars at a busy intersection. He had to “click his clicker” every time a vehicle of any kind went driving by. Although my friend almost lost his mind doing this job, he said he really had to focus so that he could keep clicking his clicker.

Many people in life walk around with their own clickers counting the number of things that people do for them. These people don’t want to give more than they get. They click because they do not trust. They spend valuable time clicking, versus cycling the giving in a relationship. They are not “Love Cyclers.” They are “Clickers.”

So are you a Love Cycler or a Clicker?

Here’s the easiest way to reorient your thinking to the Love Cycle. Let’s take typical marriage vows as an example – to love, honor and cherish. Clickers sit and wait for their spouse to love, honor and cherish them. “What have you done for me lately?” is the question they ask themselves before they reach out to their spouse. Love Cyclers don’t wait. They just love, honor and cherish their spouses.

Good leaders are Love Cyclers. They set the tone at work with their actions. They give, they help, they offer. They tell stories of people helping them and supporting them. You see them volunteer. On the other hand, Clickers talk about who hasn’t helped them, who owes them, who’s giving them a hard time and who they don’t like. The bottom line is that Clickers are so busy clicking, they are not loving.

Jim Harter, Frank Schmidt, and Corey Keyes, three Positive Psychology researchers found that “daily occurrences that bring about joy, interest and love (or caring) lead to a bonding of individuals to each other, their work and their organization.” When managers “pay attention and respond to each unique individual they manage, the daily experiences lead to higher frequency of joy, interest and love (or caring) among their employees.”

The bottom line is that Love Cyclers make better bosses and better spouses. So when you go to work today, and when you go home tonight, think about leaving your clicker behind and be a Love Cycler.

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