July 12, 2006

Protect the Flag for Me? That Won’t be Necessary

It is hard for this conservative to imagine why anyone would want to burn an American flag, except to properly dispose of it. But I don’t think that’s the kind of flag burning that Republican members of Congress are supposedly trying to ban by way of a presumptive 28^th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

Of course, it’s hard for me to get inside the head of an America-hater sufficiently angry to procure an Old Glory of his or her own for the purpose of lighting it ablaze as a statement. Even at times when I have not liked the policies of our government, that has seemed little related to how I felt about the country.

They’re two separate issues. But that’s me. You disagree? So disgusted with the country that you feel the need to start a red, white, blue and yellow blaze? All I ask is that you call out the news media first, then insist that no one has the right to question your patriotism.

Burn your flag. I think you’re a jerk. Or at best, a fair-weather American – only willing to give any love to your country when you’re getting your way. I suppose I could run up behind you just before you light the fire, as Dodgers outfielder Rick Monday famously did during a ballgame-turned-protest in 1975, and save the day for the stars and stripes. But I think it would be more fun to just let everyone see what a jerk you are.

Then again, I don’t see many people burning flags these days. It really is more of a 1975 sort of thing. And there is no shortage of people angry at the country, angry at the president, angry at the war . . . you name it, they’ve got their knickers in a twist about it. But I don’t see them burning flags.

And yet I get the sense that Republicans in the House and Senate, who this year came one Senate vote short of sending a “flag protection” amendment to the states for ratification, think they are somehow appealing to me and other like-minded conservatives in the effort. We revere the flag. Check. Therefore we don’t think flag-burning is too cool. Check. Therefore we must want it banned.

Hold it right there.

At the risk of sounding like one of those Blue Cocoon New York liberals (“I don’t know how Bush won; no one I know voted for him!”), I talk to a lot of conservatives, and I don’t know a single one who is up in arms about all the flags that are being burned out there – let alone anyone who thinks the flag-burning scourge requires an exception to the First Amendment.

A physical flag is sort of like a physical Bible. When I was young, I used to think that an egregious offense had been committed against God if a Bible was accidentally dropped on the ground. Then I got older – like, eight – and started to understand that the physical carrying case of the content was subordinate to the content itself. Rip out the page containing John 1:1 and set it ablaze. It doesn’t change the fact that the Word was with God and the Word was God.

The stars and stripes say pride in country, pride in freedom, pride in the republic. You know what it means. You don’t need me to explain it to you. It’s a great symbol. Come to my house and you’ll see one flying proudly above the flower garden. You’ll see an even bigger one, hanging on the wall in the garage, that once flew above Capitol Hill. (At least that’s what the little certificate inside the box says.)

And nothing this great symbol represents is diminished in the tiniest way if some schmuck somewhere decides to burn one. I suppose it stirs more emotion in some folks than in others when the flag is desecrated, but conservatives are not the type to beg for federal protection against getting our feelings hurt.

So who, exactly, do 52 Republican senators and countless Republican House members think they are representing when they try to amend the Constitution to ban flag burning? If it’s simply a crass attempt to put Democrats on the defensive about their patriotism, they really need to pay more attention. Democrats are already defensive about their patriotism! If you don’t question their patriotism, they’ll call a press conference and claim you did.

Perhaps Republicans in Washington think there is a red-state contingent of NASCAR fans, inbreeds and Bible Belters preparing to take the capital by storm if they don’t pass a flag-protection amendment right now. Or perhaps they’re tired of explaining why they’ve left tax reform and Social Security reform for future Congresses, and they think this will stop us from asking.

Keep flag burning legal. If we have to have jerks in America, at least we should make them easy to spot. In fact, I believe we also need a clear, unmistakable law against beating up flag burners – with national standards and a mandatory sentence. A five-cent fine.

Need a hand with that match, Arlo?

This is Column # DC41. Request permission to publish here.