May 24, 2006

Grow Up

A long time ago, when I was far too young to know better, I ran for the Michigan House of Representatives. I neither won nor enjoyed the experience very much, and have never had even the slightest desire to run for anything again.

Instead, I have done stuff like writing columns, working as a journalist, starting a syndicate and doing business consulting. The latter endeavor has involved some speechwriting – for others, but not for myself. I got to thinking the other day about what kind of speech I would give if anyone wanted to nominate me for president, and the more my acceptance speech developed in my head, the more I thought to myself, “Yes, this is why I am unelectable.”

To wit:

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I am truly honored by your nomination, and I want to speak to you about what it will be like for you to have me as your president.

Usually candidates tell you what they will do for you. Not me. If I am president, you will need to focus more on what you need to do for you, and at the heart of the matter is one big, overriding thing that I think just about everyone in this country needs to do:

Grow up.

It seems that almost every day for the past few years, I see another story about people griping about something, and usually it’s something that a grownup person would understand is simply part of the normal course of living. But it seems fewer and fewer Americans get this anymore. If something isn’t going perfectly in your life, you feel you have a grievance and you expect someone to address it for you. The president. A judge. Your mayor. Whoever. Sometimes the sense of grievance is dormant until someone else stirs it up, but many of you are far too willing to be stirred.

Look. Stuff happens in life, and stuff happens in the course of citizenship. We have joys and triumphs along the way – and usually we make these for ourselves – but there are also dips and dives, hurdles and obstacles, annoyances and setbacks. That’s life. As your president, I am not going to try to protect you from these things, so you had better make up your mind to deal with them yourselves.

News flash: In the course of trying to catch terrorists, we’re probably going to look at your phone records. For most of you, that will mean that the government knows how many times you called Aunt Millie, or your next door neighbor, or the porn line. We don’t really care, but we may very well know. Deal with it.

News flash: Stuff in life is expensive, especially the really good stuff. Take college for example. You want to go? Good! You don’t have the money? Well why are you telling me? Work. If you have to take a couple years off from school and save, then that’s what you have to do. How much did your senior trip to Cancun set you back? How much do you spend on beer every week? Make decisions. Set priorities. Maybe you can’t go at all! Lots of people who didn’t go to college still made something of themselves. Nothing is stopping you from doing the same.

Here’s a stunner. In the course of investigating crimes, the police stop people and question them. Maybe you! And they might be more likely to want to talk to you because of the way you look. Think this is unfair? I agree. But that’s life. Answer their questions and then go home and make yourself a sandwich. You haven’t been irreparably injured.

It’s hard to lose weight with so much fast food around every corner. Discipline yourself. It’s hard to get to work on time when you don’t have a good car. Get up earlier. It’s hard to find a job when you have no skills. Keep looking. People say stuff that might offend you. Too bad. Some people will have more than you have. Tough toenails.

Some of you go so far as to complain because you have to listen to a commencement speaker who disagrees with your political point of view. You are some of the biggest babies I’ve ever seen. If you used half the energy trying to find a good job post-graduation that you used writing that cancel-the-speaker petition, you’d be on your way to a rich and rewarding life.

And those of you in the news media? Do you really need to make it front-page news every time someone complains about something? Stop encouraging these people. Life in America is great, but everyone has ups and downs. It won’t be my job as president to prevent the down times, and it’s not your job as journalists to act like they’re some sort of scandal. They’re just part of life.

If you elect me, I will do my best to exercise leadership for Americans who are willing to take responsibility for their own lives. The rest of you aren’t going to like me very much, so you might as well start volunteering now for the other guy’s campaign. But be warned. He might expect you to actually get something done. I hope you can handle it. Thank you very much.

Think I can get elected?

Me neither.

This is Column # DC34. Request permission to publish here.