April 5, 2006

Slap on the Hand for Illegals; Scarlet Letter for Me

I guess Republican Congressman Steve King of Iowa would have some harsh words for me. Or at least a harsh letter, which might be the best we can expect from Mr. King. Whole words are hard work.

Mr. King finds himself in a friendly competition with Colorado colleague and fellow Republican Tom Tancredo to see who can rail against immigrants – ahem, illegal ones, he of course means – most angrily.

Raise an objection, any objection, to the King/Tancredo war on immigrants, King has a response. Point out that it’s hard to just deport people when they’ve had kids born here, and those kids are by definition U.S. citizens. No problem for Steve King. Just change the Constitution so those dastardly toddlers are not citizens! Mention that we need workers who are willing to do certain menial jobs? King suggests a “fertility program” to encourage the birth of more American children – not born to those grimy wetbacks – so they can do the menial jobs. (I am not making this up.)

And if you even hint at the love that dare not speak its name – Amnesty – King has a special idea for you. Just like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter, you get to walk around with an ‘A’ affixed to your person, so everyone knows that you are a bad American, you detest the rule of law and you’re prepared to let those Spanish-speaking ingrates turn our country into a big Taco Bell.

Aside from the assistant captains of a few hockey teams, there doesn’t appear to be many takers for the dreaded ‘A.’ Every politician in America is running as fast as possible from the word, if not the idea, of amnesty – even though all but the fire-breathing, scarlet-letter-affixing ones, seem to recognize the inherent problems of any other approach.

Illegal immigration is contrary to the principle of respect for law, yes, but local police agencies are unlikely to have 11 million spare pairs of handcuffs sitting around – especially when they tend to need all they have for criminals who are actually dangerous, like child rapists, murderers and drug dealers. And 11 million people are especially difficult to arrest when you don’t know which 11 million people are not supposed to be here.

I suppose we could just start walking up to brown-skinned types and start asking them, but thanks to Congressman King – ever the inventive one – that won’t be necessary. He’ll just put the Internal Revenue Service on the case – conducting audits of employee Social Security numbers to determine which ones are false, then classifying all wages and benefits paid to these folks as taxable income to their employers.

Raise taxes on employers! Ladies and gentlemen, your 2006 Republican Party.

Let’s stipulate a few things. Yes, we have laws that govern how you can come into the country, and people should follow the law. Yes, we could probably do a better job of securing the border. And yes, if you give people amnesty, it’s unfair to people who follow the law.

Too bad. Do it anyway.

Hey, life isn’t fair, and I don’t think I want my local police agency expending the time and resources to the Big Roundup when there could be fugitives out of Texas or Pennsylvania – you know, American citizens? – who are holed up in my community selling drugs to kids.

Of course amnesty isn’t fair. It’s never fair. You only do it when you have so many people out of compliance with the rules that you can’t possibly put the genie back in the bottle, and you probably need to think about how things got that way in the first place.

Since the King/Tancredo wing of the Republican Party is presently exorcised over the rule of law, here is a word about a law Republicans should be familiar with – supply and demand.

People from other countries are demanding the political liberty and economic opportunity offered by America. And supply? It’s in plentiful supply. U.S. unemployment is only 4.8 percent, so it’s not as if American employers have their friends and neighbors beating down their doors for jobs – nor will they, until Congressman King’s fertility program babies turn six or seven, at least.

There’s work to be done. There are people who want to do it. They consider the dash across the desert a risk worth taking. Why don’t they stop at customs, fill out their papers and come in legally? Got me. Maybe they just couldn’t merge out of the express lane. But even if some of them are committing crimes (in which case they should be arrested), and even if some of them are getting welfare benefits we probably shouldn’t be giving them, it’s still hard to see how they’re creating problems anywhere near the trouble we would bring upon ourselves by really trying to nab all these people.

So you came here illegally. Give me your hand. Slap. Shame on you. Now don’t do it again, and be glad my grandfather isn’t around anymore, because he would have used a butter knife.

Well, Congressman King, I’m ready for my ‘A.’ I will wear it and think of you.

This is Column # DC27. Request permission to publish here.