September 10, 2007

Osama bin Laden: The Democrats Have Their Keynote Speaker

The Democratic National Convention is a year away, but it’s not too early to start auditions for the coveted role of keynote speaker.

At this point, Osama bin Laden is making an impressive case.

DNC keynoters are expected to do certain things. Obviously, the most important of these is to blame President Bush for all the evils in the world. You also need to attack corporations, declare America to be failing on every front possible and – this is key – feign support for “the troops” while doing everything possible to oppose their mission.

The new video released last week by someone purported to be bin Laden is not a perfect audition, but it’s pretty darn good. Let’s look at some of the key passages:

Bush talks about his working with (Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri) al-Maliki and his government to spread freedom in Iraq, but he is in fact working with the leaders of one sect against another sect . . . And thus, what is called civil war came into being, and matters worsened at his hands before getting out of control and him becoming like the one who plows and sows the sea: he harvests nothing but failure.

Excellent. It echoes Dick Gephardt’s “miserable failure” theme and makes the case, much like Harry Reid, that Iraq has fallen into civil war, even when all the reports coming back indicate things are getting better.

Bin Laden really appeals here to the disaffected American who is weary of the war and wants the troops to come home. He does so even better here:

It would benefit you to listen to the poignant messages of your soldiers in Iraq, who are paying — with their blood, nerves and scattered limbs — the price for these sorts of irresponsible statements (of U.S. politicians).

The message is “support the troops by bringing them home.” It is a very effective technique by which you can advocate America’s defeat while seeming to care about the best interests of the troops. And if anyone tries to label it as a surrender or cut-and-run position? How dare you question bin Laden’s patriotism?

Of course, in a basic sense, the DNC keynote has to remind the voters of how much better things would have been had they elected the Democrats last time, and implore them to atone for their sin. Here, bin Laden cuts to the heart of things:

You permitted Bush to complete his first term, and stranger still, chose him for a second term, which gave him a clear mandate from you — with your full knowledge and consent — to continue to murder our people in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then you claim to be innocent!

Note the subtle nod to the impeachment movement (“you permitted Bush to complete his first term”), which should be a signal to John Conyers to kick his hearings into gear, and a kick in the skirt to Nancy Pelosi to get on the impeachment bandwagon, lest Cindy Sheehan further take bin Laden’s lead and seek her seat.

Every sales person knows that a sales pitch has to contain a call to action. Bin Laden presents it clearly. Elect the Democrats.

His slam against “warmongering owners of major corporations” is poignant. Russ Feingold couldn’t have said it better. Bin Laden has done some really nice work here.

But there are a couple of problems. One is his call to Americans to “liberate yourselves from the deceptions, shackles and attrition of the capitalist system.” This is too much. Of course the Democrats want to get rid of capitalism, but you don’t come right out and say so. Perhaps bin Laden’s speechwriter can add a touch of subtlety.

And what’s with this passage?

The vast majority of you (Americans) want it (the Iraq war) stopped. Thus you elected the Democratic Party for this purpose, but the Democrats haven't made a move worth mentioning. On the contrary, they continue to agree to the spending of tens of billions to continue the killing and war there, which has led to the vast majority of you being afflicted by disappointment.

Hey! What’s the big idea blaming the Democrats for failing to do what they said they would do? This is where you blame Karl Rove for scaring people, or just blame Bush for no reason in particular. Osama, you’re on the right track here, but remember: Democrats are never at fault for anything.

Still, it’s a solid effort. Plus, bin Laden is apparently homeless, so what a message that would send about the evils of the past eight years. Clearly, he’s the leader for the gig. Anyone else who wants a shot at it will have a tough act to overcome.