August 13, 2007

North Polemic: Canada’s Rebuke of U.S. is Over the Top

Someone in the Obama campaign needs to get on this. It may soon be time for the United States to go to war with Canada.

Ever the international chest-puffer, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is making noise about its determination to defend its “natural sovereignty” in the waters of the Arctic Ocean.

In case you haven’t been following the action at the top of the world, Russia recently sent a submarine to plant a Russian flag on the ocean floor at the approximate location of the North Pole. Why? The Lomonosov Ridge, an undersea mountain range that lies beneath the North Pole, is rich in energy resources. Apparently the Russians believe a flag on the ocean floor is tantamount to draping one’s coat over a chair before heading for the buffet table.

“I’m sitting here! I call!”

Not so fast, Yuri. Here comes Denmark! The Danes say the Lomonosov Ridge is a geological extension of Greenland, which they own, and which had to come in handy for something one of these days. So they’re off to the North Pole too, perhaps to steal the vodka stash the Russians hid inside Santa’s workshop.

All this has Canada, which thinks it owns the Arctic, seething mad. At the United States.

Come again?

It seems the U.S. takes all these claims of North Pole ownership about as seriously as they deserve to be taken, which is not at all, and regularly sends nuclear submarines on Arctic Ocean joyrides. Hey, MSNBC reports uncritically that “global warming is melting the passage,” which means new fishing stocks and a highly attractive new shipping route.

Might as well go check the place out – and keep pumping out SUVs so we can start building resorts up there while we’re at it.

David Wilkins, the U.S. ambassador to Canada, said last week that the U.S. does not recognize the claims of Canada, or any other nation for that matter, of sovereignty in the Arctic, which has long been considered international waters by just about everyone. He termed Canada’s plan to increase its military presence in the region as creating a problem that doesn’t exist.

But it is a problem for Harper, even if only in Harper’s imagination. He is what passes for a conservative in Canada, and his recent election elicited charges from Canada’s far-left media that he would be a lapdog for George W. Bush. That’s the worst thing in the world, of course, so Harper blustered at Wilkins’s remarks by talking big about “defending” Canada’s “sovereignty” in the Arctic Ocean.

Let’s see here. The Russians plant a flag at the North Pole. The U.S. takes a ride in a submarine. And which one do you threaten? Your ally, of course! It’s right out of the Barack Obama playbook. If Obama doesn’t get elected president of the United States, in which case he could attack Canada in addition to Pakistan and other allies, maybe he could move to Canada, get elected there and attack the U.S.

So. Is Canada really going to amass troops in the Arctic to wait for meddling Americans, then start hostile action?

Let’s say, just for giggles, that the next time the Russians show up at the North Pole, it’s with more than just a flag. Let’s say they show up with thousands of divisions, and they just keep going. Does this seem over the top to you? Canada is already socialist. Aside from its complete military ineptitude, Canada may be the closest thing on Earth to the old Soviet Union. It’s conceivable that, just for old times’ sake, the Russians couldn’t help themselves.

What do you suppose is the first phone call Stephen Harper makes? Yep.

“Red phone. Cheney speaking. Steve! Hi. Oh, you know what? We’d love to help you out, but we’ve been thinking about what you said – you know, about your sovereignty? – and you were right. Our forces don’t belong in the Arctic. Good luck fighting the Russians. I hear they’re easy if you can get ’em drunk.”

Nice going, Steve. Pick a fight with your most important ally – the only one that could protect you from the menace that’s actually making trouble in the region you say concerns you.

Then again, maybe Harper will just wait until Obama is elected and then attack the U.S. With Obama as America’s commander-in-chief, Canada might actually win. Then, President Harper and Minister of Health Obama can plot their invasion of Pakistan – without using nukes, of course.

Those arrogant Canadians. What makes them think they can be the world’s Mountie? Ah well. America the superpower had a good run. I guess we learned our lesson. Don’t mess with the Maple Leaf Madman.