June 4, 2007

Please, Condoleezza, Tell Us You’re Lying About War With Iran

If Condoleezza Rice is not lying, we have a problem.

The U.S. Secretary of State reacted swiftly last week to a statement by Mohamed ElBaradei, chief of the United Nations’ International Atomic Energy Agency, which decried “crazies” who might want to start bombing Iran.

Oh no, certainly not, Rice assured a skittish world. Bomb Iran? Whoever conceived of such a thing?

“We are on a diplomatic course,” Rice said, assuring the world that the United States has no plan to attack Iran.

No plan to attack Iran? What exactly are they doing in the bowels of the Pentagon?

There had damn well better be a plan to attack Iran. And North Korea. And Venezuela. China and Russia too. I see that Norway just sent $10 million to Hamas. Surely it wouldn’t take much to knock the Norwegians around a time or two.

That doesn’t mean we will, or even want to, attack any of these countries. It just means we need contingency plans. Do you doubt for even one second that the Pentagon has such contingencies for a war with any number of nations who could conceivably pose a threat to us?

Do you war-plan for every nation on Earth? Probably not. There’s no point attacking Canada, after all, when we’d have to go to war with ourselves – since we’re the ones who defend them. But when you short-list the countries you might want to be ready for, I’d say a regime led by crazy mullahs, threatening to obliterate one of your major allies and working feverishly to develop nuclear weapons might – just might! – make the list.

President Bush has vowed that Iran will not get nuclear weapons on his watch. Surely he knows that economic sanctions aren’t going to do a darn thing to stop them. And the fearsome UN weapons inspectors, led by the aforementioned Mr. ElBaradei?

You may recall that, as head of the IAEA, it was ElBaradei’s job to make sure Iran doesn’t get nuclear weapons. So when he came out earlier in the week and declared that a nuclear Iran is inevitable, and that the world might as well just accept it, another grand chapter in UN history was written.

Great job, Mohamed. Way to stop Iran from getting nukes. Nice going. Next time we’ll put you in charge of something really difficult, like stopping the French from working too hard. Think you can handle that?

So if anyone wants to try to actually accomplish what ElBaradei only pretended to attempt, they must be “crazies.” Fine. No intelligent person can take Mohamed ElBaradei seriously anyway. But then, what gives with Rice’s apparent belief that she needs to assuage his fears?

Stopping the Iranian program may very well come down to a series of bunker-busting bombs throughout various parts of the country – all while simultaneously shielding Israel from the inevitable attack that would come from Tehran. If you’ve vowed to prevent Iran from getting nukes, but you’re not planning for a war, you have to be the stupidest people alive.

And contrary to what Keith Olbermann would have you believe, the Bush administration is not filled with stupid people. They are certainly planning for an attack on Iran.

So why not say so? What is gained by acting as though military action is a far-off, last resort? Rice complains that ElBaradei is sending the Iranians “mixed signals” by calling those who would consider bombing Iran crazies. But what kind of signal is Rice sending by claiming there is no war planning going on?

Why not just say the following? “We’d rather not have to, but you’re darn right we’re planning for war with Iran, and since our troops are occupied in Iraq right now – partly because of all the meddling there by Iranians – we’re going to have to resort to bombing the bejeezus out of them.”

That’s what I would say. Maybe that’s why I’m not a diplomat. Then again, maybe that’s why diplomats never seem to actually solve any problems.