North Star Writers Group

Rumors of the demise of the double standard for sexual behavior have been greatly exaggerated. We need look no further for evidence than Father-Daughter Purity Balls.

Glamour Magazine recently published a story about these events. The conservative Christian organization behind these balls is part of the sexual abstinence movement that began in the 1990s. During the evenings, fathers pledge to protect their daughters’ purity and the girls vow to remain chaste until after they marry.

Why no such similar protection for and purity promises from boys? After all, if we expect young women to be virgins on their wedding nights, why not young men as well? (An e-mail requesting a response to this question, which I sent to the purity balls’ founder via his group’s Web site, remains unanswered after two weeks.)

It’s much the same when we obsess over unwed teen mothers and never seem to mention or even notice the males who helped put these girls in their predicament. It’s as if these teens became pregnant all by themselves and not with some male’s only-too-eager assistance.

In an age of hyper-sexed everything, when the Internet instantly exposes millions of viewers to images of panty-less celebrities flashing their genitals, Father-Daughter Purity Balls seem like a quaint anachronism.

Purity balls and ubiquitous sex, however, are the two sides of the same flawed premise, encapsulated in the double standard. The root of a different sexual standard for each gender is our underlying belief that human sexuality is shameful. No matter what culture we live in – even the supposedly advanced and more enlightened West – we cannot seem to reconcile our sexual and spiritual natures. Even if we don’t admit it openly, we continue to regard sexuality and spirituality as inherently in conflict, instead of acknowledging that they are equal facets of the multidimensional beings that we truly are.

In addition, the straight men whose viewpoint still predominates continue to fear and resent the powerful pull of sexual attraction literally embodied in women. That is why straight male sexuality remains society’s standard, and why anything different, whether it’s straight female sexual behavior or homosexual, bisexual or transgender sexuality, is at best not quite as good or downright suspect/perverted.

That is also why society continues to dump the onus on women to keep men in line when it comes to sex. Men are always forgiven while they cajole, wheedle, beg, plead, grovel and otherwise agitate for sexual favors. In fact, such behavior is expected from them, because it presumably proves their masculinity, although it really encourages them to behave in childish and selfish ways. (A truly “manly” man exercises a little self-restraint and does not dump responsibility for his sexual behavior on women.)

Meanwhile, popular culture continues to slam sexually active women with labels like “bitches and ho’s.”

Instead of trying to turn back the clock with purity balls, it’s time to complete the sexual revolution. The wave of sexual change that occurred with the advent of oral contraceptives in the 1960s was not a revolution by any stretch of the imagination, despite its moniker. That women could now have sex without fear of unwanted pregnancy simply gave men license to lean on them harder.

No, the real sexual revolution will take place only when we free ourselves of our judgments against sex and the resulting shame that fosters such extreme reactions to it in the first place. An aggressively sexualized society is every bit as dysfunctional as a puritanical society that denies sexual activity altogether. Only when we at last become comfortable in our own sexual skins will we be capable of treating both genders and all sexual orientations as equals in the world and before God.

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