No Forest, No
Glen . . . It's Boring Street!
Last weekend, I
was invited to a friend’s brand new house in suburbia. I
will admit that small twinge of jealousy I felt when I
realized her mudroom was bigger than my living room, but
what really struck me as funny – no, make that hilarious –
was the name of her street.
Forest Glen.
Sounds innocent
and beautiful enough, I suppose. But I looked around, I
mean really searched, and I could see absolutely no sign
whatsoever of the trees that used to be there, or any trees
for that matter.
As for a glen,
well, forget it. Glen means secluded valley. The place was
as flat as the desert – and the houses were within about 20
feet of each other. No seclusion. No valley.
I decided to
write a letter to the developer, asking him to stop naming
these newly paved streets with their look-alike houses
things like, “Sunflower Hill,” and “Riveredge Drive.” It's
time to enact a Truth in Naming clause, and require
all developers to name things in a more descriptive manner.
For example, my
friend’s street should really be named, “Boring Boulevard,”
or how about “Urban Sprawl Street?”
This is an easy
concept that used to be employed back in the day. In my
hometown in Ohio, I can still go to Chapman’s Grocery Market
or Diana’s Deli. Our streets were named after the 50 great
states of America going North South, and our Presidents
going East West. I grew up on the corner of Kentucky Avenue
and Garfield Boulevard. This not only helped us kids in
school, but we could actually find our way around town,
too! In Cleveland, the streets are named for the Great
Lakes. Great! After all, we’re on the Great Lakes!
But Forest Glen
is in a sea of concrete and Tyvek.
The Truth in
Naming clause will certainly create a challenge for
developers, but what a relief for the rest of us. Near my
home, two incredibly-named businesses recently opened – The
Wealthy Street Bakery (can you guess what they do?) and Art
of the Table, which yes, sells kitchen and dining room
décor.
Would it be such
a bad thing for developers to have one more hurdle to jump
in their quest to same-ify every city in America? I don’t
think so. It will just require a little creativity and a
whole lot of honesty on their part. There would be no more
condominium complexes called “Hidden Lakes,” but rather,
names like “Manmade Fountain” or “Roaring Traffic Passes-by”
would be of great help to someone shopping for such a
residence.
Many developers
will have a fun time trying to get around the clause without
totally avoiding it. There would be a lot of “NTTM
Condominiums,” which is a more elegant way of saying what it
stands for: “Next to the Mall.” In really tiny letters
below, just like in a legal agreement, can be the real
name. We’ll squint to read it on the billboard as we drive
by, but all we’ll remember is “NTTM.”
Strip mall
developers might suffer the most. Oh, darn! Rather than
“Shoppingtown Countryside,” which is one of my personal
favorites located in the middle of a sprawling city, this
place might have to be renamed “Destroyed Historic Train
Depot Strip Mall.”
Maybe – just
maybe – the Truth in Naming clause would help city councils,
voters and others take notice of what they are allowing to
happen to nature and to our past. The homogenization of
every city in America is evident in any newspaper’s Home
and Garden section where advertorial – and not
legitimate news – is the only copy to be found about home
construction and design.
The clause would
help people take notice of what’s happening near to them.
Imagine reading the headline, “Michigan’s Last Family Owned
Cherry Farm Apartments to be Built.” That might grab
people’s attention. It might motivate them to drive by,
check out what they are losing in their community and
compare it to what they are gaining. If the loss is greater
than the gain, they might even protest or get involved in
city planning.
It might
actually help stop urban sprawl. Do we need a better reason
than that to enact this clause?
Columnist Cindy
Droog resides near the middle of a city, and always will.
She will start the Truth in Naming trend by heretofore
calling herself Short Woman of Five Hair Colors.
