North Star Writers Group

Yesterday, I received great news! I am the proud new owner of two whole dollars that I didn’t have before! Apparently, I purchased some vitamin, and since then, a class action lawsuit has proved that product sucks.

Pair that with the fact that I – for about the third time in a month – heard the phrase “in today’s litigious society” from some guy at a business seminar, I’ve decided to think back on my life and determine if there were any opportunities to sue people that I missed.

After all, all of those two-dollar judgments might add up. I only need 500 of them to come through – as I figure two dollars will be my net profit per lawsuit after I pay my lawyer – and I’ll be able to make my mortgage payment next month.

So, damn that statute of limitations! Those of you listed here best be careful. As was famously stated in the movie Better Off Dead, “I want my two dollars!”

First, there was Kentucky Fried Chicken back in the late ‘80s. Oh, sorry, “KFC” as they prefer to be called today, just on the off chance that you might forget the food is fried. I was a clerk and cook at KFC while working my way through my awkward years. If it weren’t for all the scars on my hands and arms from grease splattering, I’m quite sure I could have been a hand model. This is no fantasy. I have cute little hands – probably the only part of my body I can say that about – with a perfect size four ring. Kay Jewelers and others would have been knocking down my door if it weren’t for you, oh peddler to the portly!

I am suing you for lost potential future income.

Second, there is my college roommate. Now, I absolutely love and adore her (let’s call her Sue, shall we?) to this day. Sue was a great friend, confidante and double dater. The problem? Sue kept a rabbit in our apartment and never cleaned its cage. If you’ve never smelled a dirty rabbit cage, well, I implore you – do not try it at home.

I’m pretty sure that dirty cage prevented well-intentioned suitors who picked me up for first dates never to return to my apartment again. That had to be it, right? I know it wasn’t my small, delicate hands that scared them off. And there’s no way it could have been my sarcasm – people love that!

So, considering that at least a few of those guys were future lawyers, doctors and business executives, I am suing you and your rabbit for lost potential future income.

Third, I’m going after my junior high principal for inhibiting my artistic talent. You see, we had two less-than-beloved teachers named Mr. Peach and Miss Butcher. Being the creative (OK, sick) mind that I am, I constructed this weekly cartoon of them having a secret dating life. He had a pit for a heart (that part was true), and she was definitely someone who’d have no problem taking a large, sharp knife to a defenseless object. Nevertheless, the cartoon was a big hit with the kids until the principal got ahold of it. After being punished, humiliated and heretofore banished to writing rather than art, my life was forever changed.

I know this because I go to art galleries all the time. I see the crap that some people try to pass off as art. I could charge $800 for some dots on a canvas – and don’t tell me you haven’t left a gallery thinking the very same thing. The problem? I’m literally afraid of drawing to this day.

So I am suing him for – you guessed it! Lost potential future income.

Three down, 497 to go until that thousand dollars is mine! I may never get rich with my strategy, but no matter what all the nice people say, revenge is still a little sweet.

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This is Column # CD20. Request permission to publish here.