North Star Writers Group

After recently reading the worst book of all time, called “Lovemarks: The Future Beyond Brands,” I decided to test the author’s premise that creating intimacy between customers and brands is the future of marketing.

First, I tried to spend the night with my running shoes, but for some reason, my husband is much more exciting than a pair of Reeboks. Hmmm? I even decided to choose a random product from my medicine cabinet and substitute it in a beautiful love poem by Pablo Neruda.

“Oh my Arrid Solid Extra Dry,

your caresses enfold me,

like climbing vines on melancholy wall…

I seem to glimpse you, my Arrid Solid Extra Dry

in every window…”

A funny thing is happening. I’m just not feeling it here.

I like Arrid. Arrid is worthy of my hard-earned money. She has protected me from embarrassment a few times, and maybe let me down a few others. Arrid is – well, a DEODORANT!

Marketers and advertisers: I have news for you. There is no such thing as a lovemark unless you are, in fact, referring to a hickey. In the book, the author says, “It is only through intimacy that the barriers of reserve will dissolve and brands can be called Lovemarks!”

I am trying to think back on a time when my “barriers of reserve dissolved.” Ah yes, it is all coming back to me now. College. First real boyfriend. When we broke up, I cried for days. Maybe it was weeks. You see, I don’t remember, because I was in love with him, and so I was devastated.

That’s what love is. It’s strong enough to make you or break you. But if Proctor and Gamble went out of business tomorrow, I can proudly – assuredly – say that I would not shed a tear. Besides, I have a secret for P&G and its Crest brand in particular.

Now, this is hard for me to admit, but my therapist says I must. Crest, I have been cheating on you. It’s true. In June, I was on an organic kick and Burt’s Bees led me into temptation. I have even worse news. Burt is “more talented” than you, if you know what I mean.

Oh, it doesn’t stop there. Last month, Colgate was on sale at the pharmacy. I needed fresh breath so badly – oh Crest – I couldn’t resist his charms, his heavy whispers in my ear: “Cindy. My love. Buy one. Get one free.” Why Crest, you must think me a horrible person with no morals!

On the book jacket, Lovemarks discusses forming long term emotional relationships between brands and people. Yet today, while driving down the road, I made another relationship-altering decision to drive past – right past – Pier One and head into a frame shop instead. Have I no loyalty?

Actually, I have lots of it. I have been with the same man for six years. The same boss for almost nine. I am a normal person. It’s the marketers who are crazy!

I do not wake up having had a satiating dream about my toilet paper. If I did, I would seek help. I would recognize that I need a life, amongst other things. Like a REAL satisfying relationship, not one with a cup of a coffee or a running shoe.

So, while marketers are dreaming up rubbish that they wish applied to things I can buy at Rite-Aid, like “Love is the only way to ante up the emotional temperature and create new kinds of relationships,” I have a different thought. What you should focus on is the fact that love is a lot like my guy friends in college: very confused between Mrs. Right and Mrs. Right Now. Yet at the same time, not really caring too much unless they were getting what they needed at the time.

That’s how I feel. Mindshare? Not going to happen! Being at the end of the grocery aisle so that I can grab you quick and get home to my REAL love – my husband? Now that’s marketing!

Cynthia Droog doesn’t freelance write so she can buy J. Crew, although she has been known to buy them – or Levis --- or Gap – when her last pair of jeans gets a hole in a place that excludes them from the list of things she can wear in public. Send hatemail – but no lovemarks – to cindy@northstarwriters.com.

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