Belding; I Need to Hear From J-Lo
received great news! Thanks to the ingenuity – and certainly the
desperation – of some agent in Hollywood, ordinary people like you and
me can now have celebrities make personal phone calls to us!
The guy who
played Timmy in the Lassie movies will call you and wish you happy
birthday. You can hire the Professor from “Gilligan’s Island” to call
your wife and tell her she’s special. You can even have Mr. Belding, the
pushover principal on “Saved by the Bell”, call your child and tell him
that he’s in big trouble.
none of these celebrities interests me. In fact, if they called me and
used their real names, I’m sure my response would be, “who?” So, I
decided to give some advice to the folks at hollywoodiscalling.com about
the real celebrities they could hire, and the popular messages they
typical day in my life as an example, here are the phone calls I want
and need to receive:
morning, I want Roseanne Barr to call me and say, “Hey, remember to eat
right today, or you might end up looking like me.” Can you think of any
better motivation than that to keep your daily diet on the
straight and narrow?
At about 11
o’clock in the morning, just when I’m realizing that I’ll never get all
of my work done before it’s time to pick up my son from daycare, I’d
like Keifer Sutherland to ring me at work. He’ll say, “Cindy, gimme a
break! Look at how much I can accomplish in 24 hours. I break down and
rebuild relationships with my offspring; motivate people at the office;
take a couple of bullets; and save the world. What the heck is wrong
After my 2
p.m. snack, which is usually chocolate of some sort, I’d like to negate
my call from Roseanne with a more positive, reassuring one from Jennifer
Lopez. “Big butts are in, girlfriend!” Nobody’s got a better body than
Jen – heck, I feel better already. After all, I’m just trying to be like
her (minus the second and third husbands, that is).
dinner, while I’m playing with my son, I’d like to hear from any mom in
Hollywood who doesn’t have a nanny. I’m not sure who that would be, or
if any of them exist. But the folks at hollywoodiscalling.com should
start building their database of these moms, because I’ve got a whole
group of prospective clients for them. Most of my mom friends would love
that call saying, “Hang in there, honey; I also have strained peaches
all over my white blouse.”
I guess the
problem is that said celebrity can easily afford to buy a new blouse. I,
on the other hand, will need a followup phone call from the housekeeper
on “Two and Half Men” – whose name I don’t know, but whom I find
hilarious. She’ll need to time her call right when my blouse is soaking
in Dreft to remind me to keep smiling – after all, laundry is the most
fun of all the chores!
I’ll need Rebecca Romijn – my husband’s celebrity crush – to buzz me
just to say that she is hot for my husband, that she’s going to be town
next weekend and I better make sure he’s happy, or she’ll be swooping in
on him. I’m pretty sure that on most nights, that will inspire me not
to simply offer a lame liplock before rolling over to sleep – if you
know what I mean. But which would work better? That, or having my
celebrity crush – Timothy Hutton – call and say “pretend it’s me?”
desperate people at hollywoodiscalling.com, here I am: a potential loyal
customer who, at the $300 per phone call price that you charge, can make
you a small fortune in a very short time. I’ll anticipate my phone
ringing tomorrow at 6 a.m., but just in case, I won’t hold my breath.
And, as you wait to bank your first million with celebrities like Mr.
Belding on the queue, neither should you.
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