North Star Writers Group

I’ve never read Mitch Albom’s book “The Five People You’ll Meet in Heaven,” but I understand that it’s an inspiring, meaningful story of a man who dies, and then learns that his life on Earth was not wasted. Since I’m not planning to convince anyone of anything so heady any time soon, I’ve decided to share a few lists of my own.

While Albom’s list is inspiring, mine are trivial. His is meaningful. Mine? Totally insignificant. His is a list of five. Me? I suffer from adult ADD and can only remember things in groups of threes.

First, here are the three guys you’ll date before you get married:

1. Safety Man. This sounds like a cheesy superhero that elementary schools use in coloring books to teach you to hold hands while crossing the street. But I’m talking here about that guy who won’t try new things. At first, you think he’s great, just because he’s safe. He’d never break up with you. He’d never hurt your feelings. Then you realize, he’ll never break a bone either, because he won’t so much as climb a tree in the park with you if it’s not part of his daily routine. Ditch this guy quick – before you turn into a drone.

2. Irrational Phobia Man. I once dated a guy so afraid of germs that we couldn’t go anywhere. My parents’ house? Too much dog hair. Hotel rooms? Listening to him discuss them made me want to pay millions to go live on the moon. If you are like me and can’t afford therapy, lose this guy before he – or you – ends up in straight jacket.

3. Jerk Man. You know Jerk Man. He trivializes everything you do – from your career choice (his is much more challenging, of course – even though he’s a “recreation specialist”) to your friends (his are much more intelligent – because they play Dungeons & Dragons and are good at Jeopardy). The goal is to try – as hard as you can – not to add more than one of these to your list.

Here are the three types of bosses you’re sure to have:

1. Concerned Gal. She is always concerned and always using the word “concerned.” She’s worried about what her superiors will think of every small move, as if they’re really going to notice if she approves the word “anxious” instead of “eager” in a memo. You can hear her running down the hall towards your office, but don’t be scared. She’ll be onto the next crisis in about two minutes. My advice? Get her coffee every day. She’ll be glad you’re sucking up, and you’ll be glad she’s unknowingly sucking down the decaf.

2. Solutions Man. Solutions Man is the guy who uses all of the trendy business expressions in normal conversation. Like “solutions,” “marry the two concepts,” “critical mass” and “convergence.” He also loves acronyms. The first time he does this, you are impressed. The second time, you’re annoyed. By the fifth time, you look at him and see a bobble head doll – pointless in existence, but pretty funny to watch. So just sit back and enjoy him.

3. Lovergirl. I don’t mean a boss that wants to sleep with you. You’ll need a different columnist – or a therapist and a lawyer – to deal with that kind! I mean the boss who loves everything you do and never criticizes you. Beware. She’s only pretending to love you and your work. She’s not committed to helping you improve and the only thing she really loves is the idea that she doesn’t have any workplace enemies. Transfer, leave, do whatever you have to do find someone to work for who can help you grow.

Finally, here are three things for you to do today:

1. Reread this column.

2. If it describes your work or love relationship, begin your own list of reasons to get out of that relationship!

3. Finish your list before it’s too late. Don’t do what Mitch Albom did to his character. His list didn’t help the guy until he was already a goner. I implore you – make and act on your list before you die!

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This is Column # CD17. Request permission to publish here.