North Star Writers Group

I recently returned to work from maternity leave, and since the final weeks of my absence were unpaid, my husband and I proved that we could live on four dollars a week in spending money. Still, while going through all of this – given my writing career – I couldn’t help but want to write letters of desperation to some people who certainly had the capability of helping us out through this difficult time.

The letters would go a little something like this:

Dear Paris Hilton,

I couldn’t help but notice that your adorable chihuahua Tinkerbell had a new, jewel-encrusted outfit on in the most recent issue of Us Weekly. The outfit, no bigger than the tube sock I’m wearing right now, was valued at nearly $1,000. Paris, I beg you. Tinkerbell has more outfits in her closet than I do. Would it be at all possible for you to send me the amount of money you’re planning to blow on her next ensemble? You’ll feel good. I’ll feel great. And maybe – just maybe – I’ll feel obligated to buy your CD and play it around my workplace. After all, 3,400 people work here. It’ll be a whole new audience for you, because we’re all older than 12, non-promiscuous and have real jobs.

Dear David Letterman,

I have been enjoying your show since I was 18 years old, moved out of my parents’ house and finally was allowed to stay up that late. Lately, I’ve gotten mild pleasure – as much of your audience has – from watching the “throw things off the building” skit. Why it’s funny to watch gravity? I don’t know. Why people still watch when they know exactly what’s going to happen? I guess because it’s like a traffic accident. You just can’t look away. It’s freakin’ brilliant. Anyway, since my husband and I are living on four dollars a week once our bills are paid, I was wondering if you’d be kind enough to take the money you’d spend on the next item to be hurled to the ground, and send it to us. If you do, I’ll see what I can do about getting Paris Hilton back on your show. And my husband will stop watching Jay Leno. As you can see, it’s a win-win situation for both of us.

Dear (Insert Any Political Candidate Here),

I have been watching and studying your opponent’s ads against you. They’re spinning your decisions, your history in politics and business and your minor career speed bumps out of control. Your response? Well, you’ve been spinning right back. He runs an ad blaming you for jobs lost. You run an ad blaming him for more jobs lost. He runs an ad blaming you for a bill that didn’t pass. You run an ad blaming him for the complete and total destruction of society as we know it. Stuff like that. Anyway, what would really help your campaign would be for you to take the dollars that one advertising spot costs you and send the money to me. You won’t regret it! I’m a writer. I’ll write a blog and a column and an article and – heck, why not a whole web site – dedicated to your generosity. I’ll be your own little separate channel of distribution for your campaign messages. I’ll even vote for you. Don’t act like you’ve never bought a vote before – besides, that part will be just between us.

I’ve got more letters to write, so I better run. If you’re planning to send money, email me at cynthiadroog@yahoo.com, and I’ll make sure you have my mailing address.

Now, back to work.

Dear Hulk Hogan…

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # CD16. Request permission to publish here.