North Star Writers Group

I have always been a procrastinator. At nearly six months pregnant, I have not done one single thing in our nursery, other than a very feeble attempt to scrape some wallpaper. After about eight inches across – shockingly – I decided it could wait.

Now that I’m getting nursery photos e-mailed to me from my more ambitious friends who are as far along – or not – as me, I figured it was time to get started.

The problem is this, at the same time I made the decision to get moving, I also began reading an amazing book titled “Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood” by Harvard psychiatry instructor Susan Linn. A great book for all moms-to-be, especially those of us of the academic nature, it exposes different corporations’ approaches to hooking kids as young as preschool into products and preferences.

The fact is, and I am sure Dr. Linn would agree, marketers are actually targeting the one-day-olds. Forget preschool – that is way too late. What if they already like Pepsi better at the age of four? Well, then Coke realizes that they’re in big trouble! A cruise through most any baby gear web site or store will bring images of Mickey, Pooh and other characters that will infiltrate baby’s brain and turn into product obsessions long before the age of four.

The fact is, when you read and learn about marketers who target young kids, it brings to mind a sort of Animal Planet-esque vision of the giant snake who eats the unsuspecting and helpless baby bird. The momma bird had to leave the nest for two minutes to find some worms, and bam! The predator has already stricken.

I, for one, decided to come up with a strategy to combat these kid marketers. I had no choice. You see, I have a serious aversion for 99 percent of the characters that grace children’s programming and children’s bedrooms. Elmo makes me insane. I’d love to pull out his high-pitched furry vocal chords and stomp on them. I’d rather have my kid watch CNN and be exposed to a reality check than play a Care Bears video. After all, the last time I checked, bears were still eating people.

According to Linn, I’m going to have a hard time. She notes, “The rationale marketers use for marketing in preschools is that kids are more likely to engage if the materials used in the curriculum are based on familiar characters.”

Where does that leave a mom-to-be like me, who is sincerely hoping to curb at least some of the childhood obsessions? I’m not dumb – I know I can’t prevent them all. Despite my own mother’s best efforts, I still had a Bambi fixation as a toddler, which grew into a way too-intense love for Pac Man in my elementary school days. But if I could prevent just a few, I would be happy.

I read on, and frankly, it made me want to give up.

Given the jillions spent marketing to young children every year, it became clear to me – since I can’t beat ‘em, I better join ‘em.

And that is my nursery décor motto. Rather than let companies perform this “hostile takeover” on my kid, I’m going to bring them gently into the world of brands. But not just any brands. I’m going to skip Disney, Dora and all things Teenage or Mutant. Instead, I’m going to get my kid addicted to the same things I am – in the hopes of creating a child that will be better able to bond with me in the future.

The baby’s mobile? Handmade by me, the following favorite branded items of mine shall dangle from it: Bagel Beanery Coffee Cup, Cleveland Indians cap, Slim Fast cookie dough snack bar and a photo of Jon Stewart.

Crib sheets? Well, I’m not sure how to pull this one off, but I’m now in the market for a fabric with Keifer Sutherland’s image on it, as well as that guy who plays Curtis and the rest of the cast from 24.

This weekend, I’ll hang the Victoria’s Secret curtains (now that should be interesting!) and place the Totino’s Pizza Rolls area rug.

So, to all you kid marketers – hah! I beat you to the punch! I get to pick my kid’s preferences – not you. Now you might have to spend your dollars to market to an audience that’s old enough to make an informed decision, weigh pros and cons, and compare things like price and quality.

In other words, you’ll have to stop being a predator and do your job.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # CD11. Request permission to publish here.