April 30, 2007
The Perfect Graduation Gift: The
Corporate See n’ Say
It’s
that time of year. The card aisles are filled with Congratulation
envelopes into which crisp bills slide perfectly. For those getting out
of high school, cheesy college dorm décor is flying off the shelves.
Soon, lava lamps will be out of stock at Target stores across the land.
For
the college grad, however, the perfect gift – aside from money – has yet
to be invented. The leather portfolio case? I got one of those in 1994.
Boring! A car? Well, you could go that route if you’ve got an extra 30
grand lying around.
It’s
about time that something really helpful come along. I couldn’t find it,
so I decided to invent it.
My
invention is inspired by my 10-month-old son’s See n’ Say. You remember
those! You pull the string (no longer a string, of course, due to
potential choking hazards), the arrow spins and lands on a cute animal,
and the creepy voice says, “The cow says moooo,” or, “This is the frog:
Ribbbit!”
My
son loves this thing. Dare I say he is obsessed with it? We live in the
city, and he’s only seen a few of those animals in real life. The dog.
The cat. The bird. So his imagination must be filled with images of
neighing horses, cockadoodling roosters and more. And he must believe
that on the day when he finally meets these new animals, he’ll be able
to communicate with them – in their language!
So,
for those grads who never landed internships, whether they couldn’t
resist working at the movie theatre just one last summer, or they were
in denial about the “myth” of resume building, the corporate See n’ Say
would be the best gift – especially for the business grad.
First, there’s the corporate “yes” gal. Pull the string, and when the
arrow lands on her, the creepy voice says, “I agree with the boss. I try
to think for myself, but sadly, that’s impossible.”
Then, there’s the guy who was given his job because he’s a relative.
Yet, somehow, he doesn’t see his job as a gift, nor does he regard it
with the love and respect with which a treasured gift deserves. Rather,
he sees it as a birthright, and sees you as his underling (whether you
really are or not).
When
the arrow points to him, you’ll hear “I’m on my way out – see you
tomorrow!” At 3:00. In meetings, he doesn’t volunteer to take any
assignments, so he doesn’t say much there. At company events, he
doesn’t talk. Well, at least not to you.
Then, there’s the guy that the company is simply trying to leave behind,
yet he’s still there. He’s hanging on by the very tips of his fingers to
the back bumper of the bus. You thought he’d end up a bug on the car
behind’s windshield a year ago. For sure, six months ago.
Yet
there he is. In your meetings. In your cubicle. Sending you e-mails.
Pull the string and you’ll hear him. “I can’t believe my ID badge
unlocked the door this morning. I better create more pointless work for
myself – and others. Must look busy. Must fake effectiveness. Must
enlist the help of others, so they also sense my busyness and
productivity.”
Then, there is my personal favorite. The woman whose jobs are always
hot. In fact, her e-mail subject lines actually start with the word,
“HOT,” in all capital letters just like that. In her See n’ Say picture,
she is actually on fire. She also harbors illusions that she is your
company’s personal paramedic, and that every project that’s hers is a
life-or-death situation that must be handled immediately.
Pull
the string. “I have 10 hot projects for you today. I forgot how to
prioritize years ago. Why are you looking at me like I’m crazy? Can’t
you see this is important? Hey – don’t delete my e-mail!”
The
See n’ Say would, of course, have to include the complainer, the eternal
optimist cheerleader, data dude and the division manager. “If you don’t
understand the new strategy, it couldn’t possibly be because it’s too
complicated to make any sense. Or because I stink at communicating it.
It must be you – not me!”
Just
like my son can now talk to the sheep, our college grads will be able to
talk to their coworkers. So, to all the college graduates out there,
happy graduation! You’ve worked hard to get where you are today, and
I’m proud of you.
Now
stop deleting my important e-mails!
© 2007 North Star Writers
Group. May not be republished without permission.
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