February
26, 2007
EBay:
Strategies for Staying on the Wagon
eBay is an
addiction, and I’m convinced that it won’t be long before there will be
12 steps designed specifically for overcoming this all-consuming habit.
For me,
it’s an outlet for my natural competitiveness. My husband banned me from
playing competitive euchre after an incident in which swear words were
exchanged with a friend. As for tennis, I learned a long time ago that
hitting the ball against the wall was much healthier for me – and my
opponent.
So I found
eBay. And for awhile, I was addicted. But then, I found myself in
meetings at work trying to negotiate everything. “Cheryl, I know you
need that report by 11:00. How about noon instead?” Then, with my
husband. “Honey, can you make dinner Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
this week?” When I didn’t win, I’d sulk around for awhile, then discover
something else about which I could negotiate.
When I did
win, I’d demand immediate feedback, just like they give you on eBay.
“Cheryl, is there any way you can e-mail my boss and tell him that I’m
an excellent worker, and that you’d definitely choose me for your
project team again?”
My life had
become a series of win-or-lose situations, and the folks at eBay knew
it. So they introduced the “Buy It Now” option, which allowed me to
look, click a button and purchase. Thirty pairs of boys pajamas later
(for my son, who will probably grow out of that size before he has a
chance to wear all 30), and my husband has banned me from eBay
permanently.
He’s right,
and I’ve vowed not to go back. The problem, however, is that certain
situations bring us all back to old addictions. Extreme stress caused
one of my cigarette-free-for-six-years friends to smoke again. Britney
Spears had to go back to rehab three times in one week, because we all
know it’s nearly impossible to keep up the front that you are talented.
So I really
had to think. Under what circumstances could I be drawn back to eBay? I
have to know, so that I can prepare accordingly and call in my support
troops. It’s going to be tough, because you can find almost anything you
can dream of on there! And, you don’t even have to watch hour-long
infomercials. You just use the search function.
It’s just
so brilliant that I simply don’t know how I’ll avoid it once my three
dream items become available.
First,
there’s Automatic Household Hair Removal. For owners of multiple pets,
this system would somehow, miraculously, remove pet hair while I am at
work. I won’t have to lift a finger, and the only trace of my pets would
be their food bowls and their cuteness. I would bid whatever I could
afford on that system. I’d literally need to be tied to a chair that
wasn’t on the same floor as my home office to stay off eBay.
Then
there’s The Meeting Clone, which I’m sure is under development in Europe
where stem cell research is taking place, like 24 hours a day, eight
days a week. The Meeting Clone, of course, attends all of your work
meetings so that you can actually get work done. When the ability to
customize my very own Meeting Clone comes out – and I can give her my
hair, my body, and the fake facial expressions I make when someone says,
“I have an opportunity for you” – I’ll need more than the rope and
chair. I’ll need a 500-pound man to sit on me, too.
Finally,
the Workout Taser. For the person who’s tried every possible form of
exercise motivation out there, but hasn’t managed to find what works,
the Workout Taser literally jolts you off your couch into a running,
jumping, kickboxing motion. Use it as many times in a row as necessary
without physical penalty.
That would
mean that I no longer need Billy Blanks in my life, and I’d pay a pretty
penny for that. I love Billy, but not enough to hit “Play” on my VCR
every day. When the Workout Taser comes out, I’ll need the chair, the
ropes, the 500-pound man, and for someone to shatter my computer into
tiny little shards the size of a Cheerio. And to hide the superglue.
So, to
ready myself for the inevitable, for it’s surely just a matter of time
before these items are on eBay, I am sending out an early call for help.
Attention all hypnotists, therapists, life coaches and psychiatrists! If
you have the strategy that could keep me off eBay no matter what, I’m
listening!
Just make
sure you give me the “Buy Therapy Now” option.
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