February 19, 2007
Forget Monster.com: Let’s Do It Bachelor-Auction Style
One of the
most time-intensive and painful time suckers in all of American business
culture has to be the hiring process.
First,
there are all the steps involved in getting a new position approved.
That involves budgeting, a few to 10 vice presidents, and of course,
some meetings. Then you have to look at resumes, do preliminary
interviews, secondary interviews, panel interviews, personality tests,
drug tests and then – lo and behold – the person starts the job. A year
later, after the company feels he/she is trained, he/she can start
working at full capacity.
Thousands
of dollars and hours later, you might have a productive worker. Or, you
might have someone who’s bored and/or bitter, starts looking at
inappropriate web sites and has to be escorted out by security.
It would be
much easier to ask people to participate in an auction. Human resource
folks show up, bid on who they want, write them the check and take them
home. It’s all done in one night.
If I were
the host of such an auction, here are the amazing folks you could bid
on. I don’t know their names, but I do know I’m impressed.
First, we
have Cirque Gal. She is the one who recently put this display of
horridly dressed mass chaos on the map. Seriously – do people really
enjoy this, or are they just pretending to because it’s trendy? Who
cares? Cirque Gal is a genius. All she needs to turn a profit are a
bunch of rejected Olympians in striped tights and face paint.
The next
worker up for bid is the Cleveland Indians Branding Dude. How is it that
this sports entity is the only one in all of America who hasn’t given in
on changing its name? Now, here’s somebody whose philosophy is “We ain’t
fixing what ain’t broke. Period.” In today’s age where the latest idea
is always the greatest, I think this guy rocks!
Now, please
welcome to the stage our first team up for bid: Tiny Sweater Girl and
Parachute Pants Boy. She accidentally put a new sweater in the dryer for
too long. Instead of considering this sweater a lost cause, she sent it
to a skinny celeb, and now we have a trend that looks horrible on almost
everyone. But she sure can turn a bad situation into a profitable one!
Parachute
Pants boy is an expert at finding new markets. When MC Hammer – and thus
his pants – lost favor, he began hitting fitness clubs across the
country to sell his wares. And his creativity is outstanding. Zebra
stripes on pants? Oh yeah, baby!
We’ll close
tonight’s auction with the guy behind MTV’s show Parental Control. Every
dad dreams of telling his teenage daughter that she can do a lot better
than the loser she’s currently dating. (Although in most cases, she
really can’t!) I’m quite sure my own dad wanted to do this on several
occasions. This show lets them to do it. PC Man is a genius. Simply let
people live out a simple fantasy, which costs you absolutely nothing,
and the profits shall roll in.
PC Man also
understands that it helps to throw in a few swear words, a lot of people
with earrings in places where jewelry doesn’t belong, and occasionally,
some melted chocolate and a swimming pool.
Thank you
for attending tonight’s auction. See you next year!
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