Worry, Ray, I Won’t Get Even With You, I Promise!
who’s been in the business world for a number of years most likely has
what they’d consider a business enemy or two. By enemy, I don’t
necessarily mean of the husband-stealing variety, but just someone who –
if given the chance – it might be fun to get back at. Maybe they stole a
client from you. Maybe they stole an idea.
In my case,
the culprit would be someone who I did a ton of work for, but who never
paid me a dime, and then took all of his bank accounts overseas. He
wasn’t above the law – they just couldn’t seem to catch him. Let’s call
of Ray yesterday. You see, I was listening to the radio and cleaning out
my home office when I ran across Ray’s business card. As I was staring
at it – and scowling no doubt – the old song “Jenny” by Tommy Tutone was
knows that Jenny’s number is 867-5309. I’ll even admit to calling it
with a group of girlfriends during some second grade slumber party. (Me
and every other child who attended school in the early 80s). And
everybody knows that the singer found Jenny’s number on the bathroom
wall with the note: “For a good time call.”
Now, I am
way too mature to take Ray’s business card, write “for a good time call”
on it, and hang it in some seedy bathroom. But I have to admit, the
whole situation got me to thinking. What could I do with this business
card? How much fun could I have?
So, I came
up with a few ideas. Please don’t try these at home. Because I wouldn’t.
They were just fun to think about. But, if you do try them, please don’t
tell the police or the FBI that you got the idea from this column.
figured I could ram my Honda into some really nice car in the mall
parking lot – like a BMW or a Mercedes. It wouldn’t matter if there were
witnesses, because I plan to leave a number: Ray’s. I’ll just write on
the back of his business card, “I waited for you to come out, but had to
run. I’m sorry – please call me on Monday morning to get my insurance
information.” I’ll tuck his card very nicely under the windshield wiper
and leave the rest to the owner.
feel the need to say that I’d never actually do these things. And
neither should you.)
If I wasn’t
up for going to the mall, I could take a couple of trips to some smaller
shops and leave Ray’s business card in that little glass bowl they place
for their weekly drawing. I don’t want him to win the drawing; I just
want him added to their mailing list. Like the local strip joint’s. Or
the spiritual bookstore place that sells all that stuff for self-healing
and self-awareness. Someplace Ray would never go.
would be to drop it off at some annoying salesperson’s office with a
note that says, “call me.” My first thought – the local TruGreen Lawn
Service. Those guys never give up. I know it because they call us every
single week and we’ve asked them to stop several times. Imagine what
they’ll do to Ray! If there’s no local TruGreen, I suppose any young and
desperate insurance salesman or financial advisor would do.
thought I might make copies of his card, and mail it with a letter to a
few hundred folks, claiming that there’s a bank account somewhere in
Indonesia that has a million dollars waiting for them. The point isn’t
to generate phone calls to Ray this time, because everyone knows by now
that this kind of thing is a scam. (If you don’t know that, please
crawl out from under your rock and join us!)
than call Ray, they’ll probably turn him in to the police and FBI. I’ve
watched enough CSI episodes to know not to leave any DNA on the letters
– so of course, I’ll wear gloves and seal the envelopes with a wet
sponge. Ray will, of course, go to jail because this time, the police
might actually find him. It’s okay to let someone skate when they’ve
only damaged one person, but they’d never let this fly.
revenge accomplishes nothing, is extremely immature and prevents me from
getting on with life. So don’t worry, Ray. You have nothing to fear from
decide years from now that revenge is dish best served cold.
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