January 15, 2007
Trust Me, Mr. Branson, My Plan Will Fly
Richard
Branson should hire me to revamp his airline – again. After all, he’s
not afraid to take risks. Maybe I’ll get lucky. He’ll read this column –
full of ideas to help the average flyer – get a recruiter on the phone
and next thing I know, I’ll have six-figure salary offer.
As I try to
impress him, I’ll also try to amuse you.
This past
weekend, I flew 3,000 miles. The longest leg of this trip was a
four-hour jaunt, or, to be more descriptive, a four-hour torture session
similar to having Jack Bauer kill you by chewing into your jugular
artery.
On my right
side was a snorer. Not just any snore, but that loud, gargling, coughing
kind that jars you into attention. I stared at him nearly the entire
flight because I was afraid he was dying. I kept going over CPR in my
head – tilt, breathe, pause, pump, pump. Repeat. Just in case.
On my left
side was the classic hung-over groomsman. Still wearing his tuxedo from
last night. No shower – and apparently – no breath mints.
It all got
me thinking. What if airplanes were divided into more sections than
simply first class and “the rest of you schmucks.” Wouldn’t the ride be
much more enjoyable if there were sections for:
1.
The super important (yet, somehow not enough so to be in first
class) executives. You know them. The ones who are talking on their cell
phones until the very last possible second. I was near one of those,
too. I quote him exactly: “Sheila, I don’t care what you have to do to
win the business, but I don’t want to win it by $6 or even $6,000. Do
what you have to do.” Not only is this guy annoying, but he’s obviously
of no help to his corporate underlings. “Do what you have to do” is a
copout. Just tell the truth! “Sheila, I obviously have no idea what I
would do if I were in your shoes. So I’ll give you this lame line. Do
what you have to do.”
Put these
folks into their own section. They can sit around, compare gadgets, and
share their evil plans to think outside of boxes, create synergies and
become solutions providers.
2.
The snorers. There are some nights when I sleep in the spare
bedroom because my husband snores loudly and incessantly. I don’t pay
$600 to fly across America to deal with this again the next morning.
Other nights, I hold my husband’s nose shut until he wakes up. I would
have tried that on my flight, but I’m not one for touching strangers’
noses.
So, set
aside some seats for the sleepy. Curtain off this section with some sort
of soundproof material. Then, do what I do for my six-month-old – turn
on a humidifier, load it up with Vicks and help them not die from lack
of oxygen.
3.
The friend makers. It’s not that these chatty persons are bad
people. Many of them are quite nice. On the shorter leg of my trip, I
sat next to a birdwatcher. He was cool in his own nerdy way. (I say that
out of love, for I too, am a nerd – just not of the birdwatching
variety.) It’s just that I like to fly in silence. For me – and I assume
many others – it’s the only time I get to myself. This time is
reflective in nature, and I cherish it.
So, take
the friend makers, and create a section for them. It would have circular
tables, so they can face each other. Set out “The Book of Questions” or
“Question and Answer” cards to serve as icebreakers. A flight attendant
could serve as moderator – as long as he or she is perky enough to say
something like, “OK, flyers. We’re going to go around the circle. Say
your name and what vegetable you are that has the same first letter.
Like this: I’m Wendi and I’m a watercress.”
You get the
idea! Let’s corner off these Type As, and let the rest of us – well,
rest.
This is
only the beginning of this list of amazing ideas to transform air travel
and make it more pleasant for all of us. If the industry is going to
make me pay $5 for a bag of candy instead of actually offering me a meal, this is the least they can do.
Richard, I
look forward to hearing from you.
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