Last Tuesday was my lucky day.
It was early in the morning and I was sitting at my desk
sipping coffee when I opened my e-mails and discovered
I’d received an incredible job offer.
The message from a “Mr. Tsai” reads like this: “Dear
Mr. Batz: We are exporters based in the Taiwan. We
export raw materials into Asia and into Europe, America
and Australia. Our company, Douyuan Chemical Co. Ltd,
was established in 1987. We are interested in employing
your services to work with us to establish a medium of
receiving payment on our behalf for goods and raw
materials we supply to our clients in Europe, America
Mr. Tsai goes on to say, “Subject to your satisfaction
with this proposal, you will be made our foreign payment
receiving officer in your region.” Is that awesome or
All I have to do to get the job is say “yes” and I’m the
company’s foreign payment receiving officer for this
region. Wow, huh? I mean, how many guys 66 years old
get job offers like this one? Not many, I’ll bet.
OK, it’s true that I don’t know the first thing about
being a foreign payment receiving officer for an
international chemical company, but when you really
think about it, how hard can it be to learn? They make
the chemicals. They ship the chemicals. I collect the
payments. Piece of cake.
I’ve never worked for an international chemical company,
but I did deliver newspapers when I was 11. Then there
was that stint as a collector for a loan company. I
outgrew the paper route and quit the loan company job
because. . .well. . . I kept wanting to give money to
the people who were behind on their payments.
As soon as I was contacted by the chemical company, I
telephoned my wife Sally, who has been my tower of
strength for 42 years. “I’ve been offered a job as a
foreign payment receiving officer with an international
chemical company,” I told her.
She was silent for a moment, then she said, “Where the
hell are you and how much have you had to drink?”
Mr. Tsai ends his letter with, “If you decide to work
for us, please forward to us immediately via e-mail your
phone/fax number and your full contact address. We
anxiously await your response.”
As you read this, I’m putting the finishing touches on a
letter to Mr. Tsai to find out a tad more about the
job. I want to know what the salary is, and if I will
get a vacation, and if the company offers any neat
perks, like maybe a staff car or free babysitting
Then I’ll start looking around for somebody who prints