August 9, 2006

Too Late to Start the Batz Human Billboard Business

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, along comes Traci Hogg of Huntsville, North Carolina, who thinks her son Jake is so adorable that somebody would want to use him as advertising.

The 36-year-old mother’s plan goes like this: Hogg says all a company has to do is shell out $100,000 to rent her toddler and she will dress the child in clothing with the company’s logo on it for a whole year.

Hogg has even established a Web site in hopes somebody will bite on her proposal.  Jeez, now they tell me.

I mean, my wife Sally and I have four children.

Like Hogg’s son, Jake, our children were — in fact, still are — cute as buttons.

If we would have thought of turning our daughters, Laurie and Jackie, and our sons, Bob and Chris, into walking billboards, we’d be cruising into our golden years in matching Mercedes and decked out in classy duds that weren’t purchased at thrift stores.

Think about it.

When piano lesson time rolled around, a billboard kid could pay for it.  

Ditto for baby formula, school clothes, acne cream, dolls, baseball bats, bicycles, scooters, scout uniforms and prom dresses.

The possibilities, quite frankly, are endless.

When a billboard kid wants his first car, he’d be able to buy it.

When a billboard kid wants a prom dress, she could foot the bill.

”Dad,” your oldest daughter would say, “I’d like to go to medical school.”

“Darling,” you’d reply, “head for the bank and withdraw the money you made wearing (insert brand name here, please) disposable diapers.”

Birthdays and Christmases would be different, too.

When our children were little, they brought home potholders and other things they made in school to give us as gifts.

But if those same kids would have been knocking down big bucks in the advertising game they could have afforded much better gifts than picture frames made with popsicle sticks.  

“Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad,” your seven-year-old would announce on Christmas morning. “Here is your gift — an all-expense-paid trip for two to the Bahamas.”

© 2006 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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