North Star Writers Group

Flip through the pages of most any magazine and you’ll find it filled with come-ons for exercise equipment, protein drinks and recipes for low-fat meals. Everybody, it seems, is trying to lose weight these days. What about the people like me who want to gain weight? Are we chopped liver in a world obsessed with granola?

Last time I checked, I weighed 130 pounds. My wife Sally tips the scales at 90 pounds, provided, of course, she’s wearing a suit of armor and carrying a bowling ball. But do any of the magazines publish recipes that would appeal to us? Nooooooo!

Pick up any magazine and you’ll be greeted by a litany of stories with headlines like ‘LOSE 45 POUNDS A DAY WITH DR. FRANKENSTEIN’S NEW FLOAT THE POUNDS AWAY NOW DIET.”

Below the headline, there’s usually a note that says “See Page 7 for more details, Porky.”

Even the names of diets are phony. They are hyped as “Miracle Diets” or “The Diet To End All Diets” or “The Actress Diet Guaranteed To Land Your Chubby You-Know-What In Hollywood.”

Another bad thing about meals aimed at dieters is that they always contain kale. I hate kale.
Even the word “kale” leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Try to remember the last time you were in a restaurant and overheard somebody say “Yow, that kale is delicious, isn’t it?”

Never, I’ll bet.

I once knew a man whose first name was Kale. I didn’t care much for him, either.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # BB19. Request permission to publish here.