North Star Writers Group

I have a new hobby. I collect signs. Well, I don’t actually collect them, of course, but I do keep a little note pad in the glove box of my car and when I see a sign that makes me smile, I jot it down. It’s an inexpensive hobby and it’s also quite easy because, just in case you haven’t noticed, quirky signs are everywhere in America these days.

One of the first signs I entered into my running log was posted behind the counter in a pet store not far from my home. It read: “Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.”

Then there was the sign my wife Sally and I spotted last summer when we were returning from a vacation in Michigan. It was a billboard message touting a restaurant/gasoline station near Ft. Wayne, Indiana. The message was “TRY OUR FOOD, GET GAS.”

My favorite doughnut shop sells sweets and coffee and has a sign with this tongue-in-cheek message: “First Cup - .60. 2nd cup - .60. Refills - .60. Drop - .60” Then there’s that cozy little tavern in tiny College Corner, Ohio that has a sign that greets patrons with “He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.” Speaking of tavern signs, I found this one beside the cash register at Doc’s Inn near Montezuma, Ohio: “WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT WITH THE BANK. THEY DON’T SELL HAMBURGERS. WE DON’T CASH CHECKS.”

Some of the best signs I’ve ever seen were outside churches. My all-time favorites include:

“The best vitamin for a Christian is Be One.”
”Autumn leaves. God doesn’t.”
”If the going gets easy, you may be going downhill.”
”Heaven is real. Don’t myth it.”
”Be ye fishers of men. You catch them. He’ll clean them.”
”Looking for a sign from God? This is it.”

Church signs occasionally reflect newsworthy events. During a recent election year, I found these words on a sign in front of a United Presbyterian Church in Celina, Ohio: “I am God and I approve of this message.”

Sometimes other people tell me about signs they have seen. My friend Kam Srikameswaran, who lives in Vancouver, British Columbia, sent along this sign he found in a New York City restaurant. The message was “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.” I found this message at a weekly newspaper in Brookville, Ohio: “If you’re looking for that one person in every office who’s real friendly to everybody, keep looking.”

Now and then, I come across a sign that really isn’t designed to be funny, but evokes a chuckle or two simply because of the way it is worded. This one I found outside a Chinese restaurant. The message was “Buy 2 buffets, get 1 kid free.” Which just happens to remind me of another sign. It was hanging in the window of a lawn service company. It promised “Top Soil For Sale. Dirt Cheap.”

I’ve found that most of the best sign messages are short and sweet, but now and then I run across one that takes a little more time to read, like this one that I spotted in a barbershop. “Office Hours: Open most days about 9 or 10. Occasionally as early as 7, but sometimes as late as 12 or 1. We close about 5:30 or 6. Occasionally, about 4 or 5, but sometimes as late as 11 or 12. Some days, or afternoons, we aren’t here at all, and lately I’ve been here just about all the time, except when I’m someplace else . . . but I should be here then, too.”

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