August 20, 2007

I’m Now Married to the Bionic Woman

I hate it when my wife Sally watches reruns of old TV shows because I always have to pay the price when I get home from work.

Take what happened the other day.

The minute I walked in the door, Sally leaped from her chair and shouted, “I am the Bionic Woman!”

“The Bionic Woman?” I asked.

“Right on, chubby cheeks!” she screamed. “B-I-O-N-I-C  W-O-M-A-N! The honeymoon is over! From now on I call the shots around here!”

I slipped into my office and called our daughter Laurie.

“What’s up with Mom?” I asked her.

“She’s the Bionic Woman,” Laurie replied. “I found out about it when I dropped by the house this morning.”

I returned to the living room.

“Do you have to be the Bionic Woman?” I asked Sally.

“You bet!” she declared. “It’s high time somebody took charge around here. And that SOMEBODY’S gonna be me!”

She pointed to the front door. “If you don’t clean up the basement right now I’ll resort to violence with my super bionic hands!”

“Say please,” I told her.

“OK,” she said, “Please clean up the basement right now or I will resort to violence with my super bionic hands!”

I returned to the bedroom and phoned our son Chris.

“Have you talked to mom lately?” I asked him.

“If you mean the Bionic Woman, yes, I talked to her this morning,” he said. “When I asked her what was going on, she said if I cooperated she would make me the Bionic Man. I told her I’d think about it.”

I went back to the living room.

“Did you clean up the basement yet?” she asked.

That’s when I struck a defiant pose and shouted, “No, I didn’t clean up the basement and, furthermore, I don’t intend to either because I am the . . . the . . . the . . . Six Million Dollar Man! So there!”

I felt victory in my grasp.

First Sally looked sad.

Then her eyes began to fill with tears.

That’s when the Six Million Dollar Man left the living room to go clean up the basement . . .

© 2007 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is Column # BB084. Request permission to publish here.