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January 29,
2007
No Breaks
for Bob
Life is a
lot like an elevator. It has all sorts of ups and downs.
You know
the scene, I’ll bet.
You wash
your car and 10 minutes later a monsoon begins.
For the
first time in something like 20 years you get an income tax refund. Six
hours later you learn you have to replace the roof on your house.
So far this
has been a rather mild winter here in the hinterlands of Ohio. We’ve had
snow only twice but, unfortunately, the first time was three days before
I decided to buy snow tires for the car and the second time was hours
before we were due to take an extended road trip to visit relatives in
Minnesota.
You know
me. I’m the guy who gets to a fabulous sale two days after it ends.
If I shell
out big bucks for tickets to a baseball game, there’s a lightning storm
that night.
I bought a
clothing item the other day. I didn’t bother to try it on at the store
because a little tag on the collar promised “ONE SIZE FITS ALL.” When I
got it home, I discovered it was two sizes too small.
I was at my
favorite service station and the owner of the place decided to up the
price 20 cents a gallon just as I pulled up to the pump.
When my
wife Sally and I decided to down-size and move into a smaller home now
that all four kids are out on their own, we found ourselves with tons of
furniture and other stuff that we didn’t have room for.
Our
daughters suggested we have a garage sale. We spent days sorting and
pricing everything from table lamps to knick-knacks. The day of the sale
only six people showed up.
My lawn
mower always conks out when I get half the lawn cut.
And when
the family car dies, it’s never something really simple to fix. “What do
you think is wrong with it?” I ask Red, our favorite auto mechanic. Let
me note right here that all auto mechanics are named Red or Buck or
Smitty. How come auto mechanics are never named Wendell or Percy? Once
Red or Buck or Smitty gets under the hood to take a look at the car,
they always discover something is seriously wrong with it.
Yup, I
never catch any breaks. That’s for sure.
My umbrella
always disintegrates on a day when it’s raining.
Every day I
check my horoscope in the morning newspaper. Other people’s horoscopes
always have pleasant little things in them. “You will come into a
fabulous sum of money” and “Everything will look brighter tomorrow.”
My most
recent horoscope - I’m a Sagittarius – began “Whatever you do, stay
inside today, do not use electrical appliances, eat any frozen foods
from the supermarket or drive your car.”
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This is Column # BB56.
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