North Star Writers Group

I have a new hobby.

I save the most useless e-mail messages I receive each day and I’m planning to write a book called “I Save the Most Useless E-Mail Messages I Receive Each Day.”

If you spend any time at all on a computer, you know the messages I’m talking about. They arrive at all times of the day and night, they come from all over the world and they hype everything from Viagra to Christmas toys.

One of the best - or worst, if you prefer - useless e-mail messages I have received lately came from an organization named BetUs.com. which calls itself “the largest and most successful sports book on the Web.” In the wake of the FDA recalls of spinach and lettuce, the folks at BetUs.com are taking odds on (are you ready for this?) what vegetable will be recalled next.

According to the so-called experts at BetUS.com, the odds are 20 to 1 that the next recalled vegetable will be garlic. Red cabbage stands at 14-1, broccoli, cucumbers, green beans and asparagus are 10-1, cauliflower and carrots are 8-1 and mushrooms 6-1.

The useless e-mail messages go on and on.

“Our international company has a great offer for you,” one beckons, going on to say “It’s not just a great opportunity but a chance to earn good money.”

Then there was one from a website that specializes in information about the history of Halloween and another about a Michigan man who has built a super-sized rosary out of bowling balls and has it on display in his front yard.

Come-ons for personal loans are e-mail staples, especially those from so-called companies you’ve never heard of that guarantee you thousands of dollars if you just make a phone call to some number that starts with 1-800.

Some e-mail messages are downright insulting. Like this one from a totally anonymous sender.

“This is not meant to be an insult or anything, but people are talking at work about your weight. I thought you should know. I know some friends here who have used a program that worked within weeks. I’m not pushing anything on you but I thought it wouldn¹t hurt if you looked at it. I also think I am doing you a favor as it’s always nice when people talk about how much better you look than how much weight you are putting on.”

The only bright spot I was able to find among all those e-mails was one that included a number of quotes from comedian George Carlin that included one that obviously applied to e-mails.

“Think of how stupid the average person is,” Carlin said, “and then realize half of them are stupider than that.”

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This is Column # BB52. Request permission to publish here.