North Star Writers Group

With all due respect to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, whose “You know you’re a redneck” one-liners have made his name a household word, here’s my take on ways you can tell you are getting

older:

You know you are getting older if . . .

You’re sitting in the living room when you realize you have something really important to do in the basement, so you race down the stairs and when you get there you discover you’ve completely forgotten what it was that you thought you had to do in the basement.

You suddenly ditch what has been your favorite drink for decades - beer - to switch to Jack Daniels and Geritol.

You remember when TV sets had round screens.

You still recall the nickname you gave your first car.

You have nightmarish memories of the days when you walked to elementary school every morning because there weren’t any school buses.

Your name is Elmer, Herman, Matilda or Hazel.

You have a state-issued handicapped parking sticker in the glovebox of your car.

There’s a pair of white buck shoes gathering cobwebs in your closet.

Friends and family members crack jokes about “fire hazards” every time you get ready to the blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

You’ve memorized the generic names of more than a dozen prescription drugs.

You know how to drive a vehicle with a stick shift.

You remember what it was like to clean blackboard erasers on the school fire escape on a bitter cold winter morning.

Your grandfather held up his pants with suspenders.

Your first girlfriend wore her hair in pigtails.

You remember when milkmen riding in wagons pulled by horses made deliveries every day in your neighborhood.

If friends and relatives keep asking you: “When are you going to retire?”

You know the meaning of the word “downsizing.”

You hate the TV show “Entertainment Tonight.”

The Lone Ranger was your boyhood hero.

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