Read The Laughing Chef's bio and previous
April 9, 2008
How to Emotionally Destroy a Pot Roast
evening pot roast is a fairly standard meal you throw a pot roast and
some vegetables in some broth and allow it to cook for several hours.
Salt generously, and dig in.
many people, this is an endurance trial, long hours spent with half a
mind on something in a crockpot. The question never asked is what
happens if this is just the first step toward a meal and not the end of
Start with a nice round chuck roast. Perhaps you wonder where the
chuck comes from. Perhaps its name is Charles. Call it thusly, and
record its response. Or, you could simply declare yourself disinterested
in details and get to cooking.
The first trick is to create the juices into which the
roast will simmer over long hours. For our purposes here, combine a
packet of onion soup, cream of mushroom soup, beef broth, a sliced leek
and a handful of sliced mushrooms.
Stir it all together until it is evenly mixed, and plop
your chuck roast right down into it. Turn your crockpot on low, and sit
on your couch and stare at a blank wall. You only have about eight or
nine hours to wait. Occasionally, break the monotony by turning the
roast over in the broth. An unstirred stew allows scum to collect on top
(insert Congress-related joke . . . here).
The roast will be done when it easily pulls apart with a
fork. Remove it to a plate and begin cutting it across the grain. If
there is something that aggravates a pot roast, it is cutting it across
In fact, if it is cooked long enough, this will encourage
it to literally fall to pieces. You have destroyed it emotionally.
Congratulations, tough guy, on getting the better of a slab of meat.
Meanwhile, boil water for egg noodles, and also add some
flour to the juices in your crockpot. It will be watery, and add about a
quarter cup of flour and a handful of freshly chopped parsley, and it
will thicken into gravy. Thin, gruelly gravies are loved only by their
mothers and people capable of eating only through straws.
While this thickens, and while the egg noodles soften, and
while the chuck roast sits on the plate crying like a little girl, steam
a handful of asparagus.
Perhaps now you can see a convergence of several things in
your near future a bed of egg noodles topped by pot roast and steamed
asparagus and topped with gravy. See the future, be the future.
Drain the noodles, and lay on top of them the beef and
asparagus. Over the top of this, pour your gravy. You can do this into
separate bowls and allow the individual the freedom and flexibility to
stir them together as that person best sees fit, or you can make
decisions for the entire group and mix it all together at once.
Both have their pros, and both have their cons, and it is
best to leave sorting out which one proves out to individual
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